Tag Archives: romantic relationships

a Christmas runaway bride story

For those of you surrounded by people celebrating Christmas this winter, who have estranged relationships to family, and who can relate to feeling trapped in an unhappy romantic relationship… I recommend the short story Bride by Christina Deka.

I judge a lot of things by their first sentence, and the first sentence of this thing is “I am not a bad person,” so, you know, there’s a first sentence for you.

In conclusion, here’s an excerpt to show what made me think of sharing this story with y’all:

I wanted to say, “I do not love you,” but I couldn’t. Gary was a good man, and good men were hard to come by. I knew this. I had been with all the bad ones. So I just smiled and said I was okay.


on relationship boundaries and monogamy

Here is a post I saw today about how defining monogamy becomes tricky with aro spectrum and ace spectrum folk in the mix.  Go read it.  It’s got interesting points and I don’t have much to say on it, besidessss in response to this part added by paradife-loft:

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AA: Desire, Dating, and Size

[cw: sex talk, sex as a site of conflict, insecurity over weight]

Breanne wrote in:

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AA: 25 Years

[cw: sex as a site of conflict in a relationship, antigay/homophobic analogy, atrocious rape analogy]

This one isn’t very long, but I’m going to address this one piece by piece instead of in block form.

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AA: Questioning a Change

[cw: relationship conflict, explicit sex talk]

Mary wrote in:

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Living Situations & Relationship Expectations

I feel lied to.

I had heard, from sources I don’t remember, never to move in with people you consider friends.  I don’t know how widespread this advice is, but it’s definitely a thing that I’d heard and was on my mind, right at the time that a friend asked to become my roommate, several years ago.  And so it became the cause for hesitation and ambivalence.

Because what I’d heard was: don’t move in with your friends.  You don’t want your friends as roommates.  Just because you’re friends doesn’t mean you’ll live well together.  You’ll end up annoying each other in petty roommate ways and it will destroy your friendship.

I didn’t want to destroy my friendship.

I was terrified of that happening.

So I dragged my feet and thought about declining what ended up being a really, really, really good deal.

Here’s my experience: moving in with my friend didn’t destroy my friendship.  It made every night feel like a sleepover party.

As of the end of last month, I’ve done it again — moved in with another friend.  I was worried about it this time, too.

I guess that advice has really stuck in my mind.

I even saw someone giving the same advice this week.

You know what I realized, though?  Not once, ever, have I ever seen someone say, “Don’t move in with your romantic partner.  It will destroy your relationship.”

What I see, sometimes, instead, is talk of “when” is the “right time,” the right stage, the right passage of time before it makes sense for two romantic partners to move in together.  When.  Not if.  And certainly not “never.”

I’ve seen talk of moving in before getting married being potentially detrimental, but blanket generalizations of “never”?  Never seen it.

It’s accepted to warn people of the dangers of moving in with friends — yet also believe those dangers dissipate in the case of romance.

I feel lied to.

 


AA: Ace/Non-Ace Relationship Ambiguity

[cw: sex, in specifics]

BD wrote in:

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[gif]

Remember when I talked about Fiona, the character brought in as Sherlock’s love interest on Elementary?  Here’s a little more of that.

[tw: sex as a point of contention]

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“I’m not here for you.”

Probably the best meta I’ve seen on Hamilton is this, to which I have nothing of value to add.  But I do want to talk about the relationship between Angelica and Eliza just for a bit.

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forgot to mention

At an ace meetup a couple weeks back, when I brought up the pros and cons of Fiona as autistic representation on Elementary, one thing I failed to mention was that her second episode featured an instance of revoked/suspended consent.

I’m not sure if there’s a better term for that (probably is) but what I’m getting at is the idea of taking a step down on the physical touch escalator — offering consent to something at one point, then refusing it later.

It’s two short snippets of separate scenes, just a small slice of the overall episode, but it was… it was nice.  It was nice to see that depicted and respected.  Served as a reminder as to how infrequently it’s normalized, but still.  It was nice.

Season 4, episode 12.  “A View With a Room.”  At one point, out of the blue, Fiona asks Sherlock, “Would you like to kiss me?”  There’s a pause.  Fiona adds, “Asking ’cause I’d like you to.”  Sherlock continues to hesitate, and it doesn’t happen.  It’s around that point that Fiona leaves.

The two see each other again, later, when he visits her.  Sherlock doesn’t take long to ask, “Does the offer to kiss you still stand?”

And she says, quite bluntly, “No.”

(!!!)

She clarifies, a second later, “I mean it does, just not right now.”

(!)

What’s interesting to me about that, besides the fact that it was written at all, is that it’s not presented as bad or rude or stingy or an end to her interest in him — and Sherlock accepts it with a look on his face that’s just like “oh.”  Not super disappointed or angry or indignant or mopey or any of that.  Just sort of… “oh, okay.”  And the conversation proceeds.  And I found it all surprisingly cute, both that part and the part that follows (“I’m a little afraid” “I’m a little afraid, too”).

It’s a small, small thing.  But I’d love to see more of that kind of small thing.

edit: I found clips of the two scenes I was talking about.

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