Hey, folks. So I went and did the thing and started a “community” on imzy (*crosses fingers*). There are already some other kink communities on there, but none that mention remotely anything about being ace-friendly, or anti-kinky-abuse, or critical (not to be confused with “kink-critical,” mind you, in which the word critical means the same thing it does in the phrase “trans-critical”). Lacking alternatives, Unravel will be my attempt to take a stab at some of those things and more. I have some ideas for links and discussion topics to come, but I’m not quite sure what direction to send this in just yet, and since it’s brand new, I figure the first few folks who join are probably joining to shape what kind of place it becomes… So if you want a look, I just gained over 100 invites I can send. Just click the link up there and input your email address so you can get invited, and then you can snoop around, give feedback, maybe even join, that sort of thing.
me: *digs through someone’s kink tag, finds someone I recognize as being a person who’s talked rolequeer stuff and good critical kink and consent things, starts going through their corresponding discussion tag*
me: These posts are pretty old though. I wonder what they’ve been up to more recently.
me: *clicks to visit blog main page*
very first post on the blog: n u d i t y
me: okay I’ll just show myself the door then
I wonder if kinkyasexuals will ever apologize for giving careless medical advice or for rec’ing Fetlife to kink-curious aces without a hint of warning about the severe policy issues that “most of the users on FL have been aware of for several years now.”
I saw something again — not linking on purpose because of context — mentioning, secondhand, a claim paraphrased as “if your kink bleeds into your everyday life outside of the bedroom, it’s bad for you.”
And like the responder I found, I take issue with that entire premise.
As far as I can tell, it’s basically a slight rewording of the common kink apologetics catchphrase — that XYZ earn their acceptability by being “only in the bedroom,” i.e. sure XYZ could be a bad thing, but not if it happens “only in the bedroom,” …which is a line of argument that has multiple, multiple problems, some of them more significant than others. They’re all so interrelated, though, I don’t know where to start.
So I’ll start here: Why does the locale of “the bedroom” grant some kind of moral/harm-metric exemption status? As best I can figure, it’s because “in the bedroom” (aka “during sex”) refers to some of the most private moments of the most private room of a private dwelling — supposedly far removed from the “public sphere” and “everyday life.” And therefore, it doesn’t affect anyone. And therefore, it doesn’t affect you.
Anyway, I repeatedly find myself wanting some kind of… site or page or blog targeted specifically at aces, including sex-repulsed aces, that has some actually useful info on rope, role play, danger stuff, etc., from an ace or nonsexual angle — specifically the overlap, not just a mish-mash of naked shibari gifs and just-asexuality stuff — that’s for the ace umbrella and the vague elastic category that is kink, that’s for relationship between the two topics, and that doesn’t make me seethe.
People use the word “violence” in a myriad of confusing and contradictory ways when they talk about kink, so I figure I might as well get this out of the way. But for anyone with any kind of interest in ethics, especially any kind of interest in how to class anti-asexuality, this discussion might still be relevant.