Tag Archives: Fetlife

I wonder if kinkyasexuals will ever apologize for giving careless medical advice or for rec’ing Fetlife to kink-curious aces without a hint of warning about the severe policy issues that “most of the users on FL have been aware of for several years now.”


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[cw: kink community, violence/violation]

Information on open/public munches (informal meal-centered get-togethers) is… tough to come by if you’re not on Fetlife, but I was able to find a couple of groups in my city on Meetup instead.  I’ve been waffling for a while now on whether to show up to any of them.

Just last night, I sent a text to the copilot, asking about both groups and the names of the organizers, since she was involved in the Scene in this city for a while and I thought there was a chance she might know of them and have the inside scoop.  I figured probably one out of the two might be bad news and one out of the two might be either unknown to her or just fine.

Got back a text saying:

“Both of those leader-people have been accused of consent violations.  I’d steer clear of them.”


Here’s what makes this even more creepy to me.  When you look on the About Us page of the one that declares that it’s run by an experienced “veteran,” it even has a warning to exercise caution and that “Although they are the exception rather than the rule, predators DO exist in this subculture, and some of them even lead groups like this one.”

See, this is why I have trust issues.

the asterisk in action

Anyway, if you were wondering what it looks like for someone to be nominally “aware” of asexual people but refuse to incorporate them into their claims, all you have do is look at this post.

[cw: sex, for the link and the quote below]

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Fetlife talk

Since Smurf/kinkyasexuals has come off hiatus, I decided to send them a message about Fetlife (with the links mentioned here).  This was their response.

It’s about four paragraphs of “Most of the users on FL are aware of the problems and we have no better options.”

After getting that response, I’m thinking I should have explained myself better.

Here are some quotes of posts in which Smurf has recommended Fetlife in the past:

Anon: [snipped]  …Where do you find partners, if at all? I am so out of place both in the kink and the asexual community, I’m not sure how to do this.

Smurf: [snipped]  … If online, I recommend fetlife.com: it’s primarily a social networking site, so you’re (only a little bit) less likely to have people hitting you up for sex.  There are also various kinky and asexual groups on there to mingle and ask questions in.  And you can find out what your local scene is like, if there are munches or play parties, and hit people up and make friends and go from there. (link to post)

Anon: Do you perhaps have any advice for asexuals on joining the kink community for the first time?  I’m 21 and interested in maybe going to local meet ups in the future but I’m not sure how ace-friendly they are likely to be.  Are there any key ways of telling one way or another, that you happen to know of?

Smurf: Honestly, not any one way more than the other.  I would suggest perhaps joining a site like fetlife.com, searching for a local munch, see if it has a group associated with it, and ask.  That’s the best way to do it without showing up to a munch unannounced and asking and potentially putting yourself in harms way.  In general, though, munches should be safe spaces.  There’s no way to guarantee how LGBTQIAP+ friendly a particular munch is before joining, unless you happen to know someone who’s been involved with the group before. (link to post)

In these posts, both inquirers imply themselves to be newbies to the kink community.  Smurf brings up Fetlife as if it’s something they may not have heard of before, which is a reasonable guess.  If it’s something they haven’t ever heard of before, then they can’t possibly be already aware of the TOU enforcement issues or the fact that the site deliberately misrepresents how secure it is.  Smurf did not bring up any of that alongside the recommendation.

(Also, when I discussed this with the copilot, she also added that FL is very much not an accommodating place for anyone sex-repulsed, given that explicit sexual imagery would be impossible to avoid.  This is, admittedly, par for the course when it comes to the kink world.  However, I think it’s important to tell people of what they’re likely to encounter instead of taking the “you should just know to expect that” approach, especially on a blog catering to asexuals.)


Seeing those posts initially, I assumed that Smurf was only omitting those details because they were not aware of them.

So I sent in that submission with the links.

Now I know that Smurf does know and has known about the issues with Fetlife for some time, including when those posts were made.

I’ll try to make my intended message more clear this time:

I think telling newbies to join Fetlife without warning them about the site’s deceptive practices is irresponsible, and I think the recommendation should be paired with those warnings in the future.

technique, theory, and criticism kinkspam

(kinkspam = “kink” + “linkspam.” bad joke.)

Through persistence, I’ve found some of the kinds of things I would have wanted shared with me when I started here and here (and long before then, really, but those posts offer my personal context re: why I’m interrogating kink).  In the interest of anyone else who may find themselves in a tangential position, I want to share these with y’all, too.

Or in other words: *LMM’s Washington voice* Let me tell you what I wish I’d known

[general subject matter: abuse, ethics, bondage, and (un-)D/s]

Disclaimer: this linkspam has been curated with a sex-averse reader in mind and includes detailed notes, descriptions, and content warnings for most links; I’ve tried to make this post safely navigable for abuse survivors, but bear in mind, if you venture out by clicking the other links you may find through these, all bets are off.

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