[tw: abuse, CSA, suicide]
me this week: pretty weird huh how the ones that are actually technically illegal-with-a-minor I’m kinda fine with having happened but the one that actually makes me feel disturbed and violated is the one that it’s perfectly legal and socially acceptable on all counts, but also, why the heck did I ever imply in public that any of the things done to me were ever at all abusive actually, that was a terrible thing to do, I’m terrible, @me I can’t believe you did that.
also me this week: unfortunately, this plan for killing myself wouldn’t actually work,
doctor: okay, so we got the rest of your results back, and it looks like this is low, this is low, this ratio is way off, this is high, this is 13 when it should be less than 1, this is low, this is low, and this is low… so, basically, you’re like a nice car with no oil, no gas, and four flat tires.
It’s… yeah, it’s bad news, but it’s a validating answer to what I keep telling myself (why aren’t you more productive, people are counting on you, you’re counting on you, why aren’t you doing more with your day).
But — here’s something interesting — you know what one of the “too high” things was? Testosterone. I’m too high in testosterone.
I think that’s hilarious.
Somebody come tell me to get my hormones checked, I dare you.
It’s been confirmed that I have an inflamed thyroid. So that’s fun.
I haven’t exactly “gotten my hormones checked,” but given the role a thyroid plays, it’ll be interesting to see how things turn out if we can get this fixed.
re: this post, this advice on mental illness, self-harm, and masochism
Seriously. How can you tell though?
Branching off of this post.
Okay I thought of more things to say.
(a vent post about sex aversion. not very graphic about sex, but may be triggering wrt self harm and self hatred and associated junk? & ableism mention and general unpalatability)
Annoyed with myself for using my ace/depression pun and only later realizing I could make a comparison between “you don’t need a label for that, it’s average for people to only experience sexual attraction sometimes” & “oh, you say you feel unmotivated and have a hard time getting up at all? everybody gets sad sometimes! you just gotta buck up and power through it.”
A post about asexuality and depression.
I’ve been curled up in my living room trying to dig my way out of a bout of mental and physical lethargy for a few days now, so since I haven’t been able to force myself to work on anything else (even other posts on this blog), I figured, hey, you know, you can do that post on depression you thought about writing months ago.
CW for suicidal thinking, med talk, and religion talk.