This post is my submission to the January 2018 Carnival of Aces under the theme of “Identity.” Specifically, this post deals with topics of sexuality, identity, alienation, labeling, doubt, touch, trauma, and abuse.
This impetus for this post is a tumblr post about “being stone vs. being asexual” that Rowan shared with me, after it came up as a recommended post on their dash. There’s maybe a few different things I would question in that post (emphasis on question, since some of it is beyond my depth), but maybe chief among them is how stone sexuality & asexuality are being presented as either/or, i.e. mutually exclusive.
Hi, folks. If you don’t mind, let’s sit down and have a talk. An actual, honest talk, if you will.
This is a post about the target audience of imperative grammar (i.e. command words) in the context of talking about abuse in relationships. It’s also a post about making moral-grounds proclamations about sexual violence. It’s also a post about the internalized obligation to have sex. It’s also a post about that thing that we usually call victim-blaming. It may even be a post about rape culture in the guise of fighting rape culture? And, basically, yelling at abuse victims to stop getting abused.
Update: the sequel.
Note: the font I’m using for these is Card Characters from Harold’s Fonts, which is a free download, so feel free to use that to make your own playing card-themed stuff.
Continuing adventures in trying to make graphics: made this the other night, born of 1) conversation with Rowan about lesbian blogs, and 2) wondering if young people remember that there’s more than one way to symbolize an orientation than with horizontally striped flags…
I have been thinking about this link Siggy posted ever since I first saw it, mostly about how the word “asexual” is used — because it was posted as an example of “wacky things that appear in my [‘asexual’] google alerts” — (and yes I’m not addressing the bigger picture atm because, foolishly or not, I expect everyone who reads this blog to share roughly the same opinion on Nazis). The article has nothing to do with asexuality, but the part with “asexual” in it is here: [cw: anti-lesbian talk/ethnocentricism]
We sat at a table in the kitchen, where Spencer told me about a game he liked to play called “Lesbian or just German?”, the idea being that German women were so hairy and asexual that one couldn’t tell the difference.
I can’t tell from the context whether the attribution of the traits “hairy and asexual” to both German women and lesbians was explicitly given as reasoning by Spencer to begin with or whether that was the author Julie Hill’s own extrapolation, but either way,
I know the “asexual” as it’s being used there isn’t the same as the “asexual” people self-ID as, but that’s just the thing — what it is being used as, as far as I can tell, is desexualization/the absence of heterosexual sex appeal/lack of “sexual availability” (to men). And I’m just. I’m just looking at how “asexual” is already being treated like it goes hand in hand with the “hairy lesbian” stereotype, and since the right response to that stereotype isn’t to throw actual hairy gay women under the bus (with not just “hey not all lesbians are hairy” but also “being a lesbian and being a hairy woman are both okay — hairy lesbians deserve support”)… there’s another demographic combo I can think of that doesn’t deserve to be thrown under the bus, you know? Maybe asexual/nonsexual lesbians need more love too, you know?
Iunno, as long as the broken anti-dialogue pro-circulation tumblr format is going to exacerbate so many folks taking swipes at each other over a perceived gay vs ace dichotomy, I’m gonna keep whining that we need a mass migration to another platform.
I have a problem similar to something similar to the problem Siggy has described having, which is that I don’t like a lot of things other people like.
Well, no, that’s not the best way to put it actually. The problem on my mind at the moment is more like… even when I do like something a lot of other people like, I can’t/don’t write the characters from it into my own fiction prose.
This doesn’t have to be a problem, except that when people are talking about a dearth of good asexual umbrella fanfiction, I get motivated to contribute, and then I remember my own hangups about writing fanfiction.
Right now I’m reminded of this because of aceadmiral’s and Queenie’s acefic recommendation posts. So right now I’m in another upswing of “come on, there’s got to be some character you want to write acefic about that you also think you could write faithfully.” I come up blank, consistently. Writing meta for a character is one thing, but portraying them through fanfic?
Well, in the mean time, you can check out Queenie’s recs and the notes of aceadmiral’s post.
Another part of that pressure is feeling as though I need to be able to make a concise statement about “the APoC experience” or about the intersection of asexuality and race, which is pretty much impossible. APoC are a diverse bunch, because the world isn’t divided up into “white people” and “people of color,” each of whom can claim a single, monolithic racial experience, and so my being the only non-white panelist puts me in a supremely uncomfortable position. How can I be the only one on the panel answering questions about the intersection of asexuality and race when I feel that my experience is so singular and isolated that I can barely speak for myself, let alone anyone else? How can I be a spokesperson for so many people with so many different experiences than mine, and yet none of the white aces on the panel are expected to speak to the “white ace experience”?
-Queenie, The politics of (in)visibility
A post about changes (or not) in the ace blogosphere, or, in other words, about a state of “we aren’t talking enough on” intracommunity problem topics.
Mostly, though, it’s just a response to this tumblr post.
What drew my eye in particular was this part added by user warriorsdebt: “In short, in a twist that should surprise absolutely nobody at this point, the exclusionists who will scream until they’re blue about the problems in aspec communities are also the number one factor stopping us from solving them.”
[cn: depression stuff, suicidality – not current]