Tag Archives: ace guilt

on sexual abuse and the direction of imperatives

Hi, folks. If you don’t mind, let’s sit down and have a talk.  An actual, honest talk, if you will.

This is a post about the target audience of imperative grammar (i.e. command words) in the context of talking about abuse in relationships. It’s also a post about making moral-grounds proclamations about sexual violence. It’s also a post about the internalized obligation to have sex. It’s also a post about that thing that we usually call victim-blaming. It may even be a post about rape culture in the guise of fighting rape culture? And, basically, yelling at abuse victims to stop getting abused.

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“Dealing” with an Ace Partner

Traditionally, the first step in being a dealer is to shuffle the cards.  There are many different shuffling methods, such as the riffle shuffle, the overhand shuffle, and the strip shuffle.  You can find some tutorials on those methods (and more) here and here.

Once the deck has been shuffled, then you’ll be expected to deal the cards.  Pass out a number of hands according to the number of players and a number of cards according to which game you’re playing.  Next, check your partner’s sleeves.  If you find an ace, you’re dealing with an ace partner.  Place the ace back into the deck, recollect all the hands, and shuffle again.

Many people report facing greater difficulty in shuffling a deck that includes a human-sized ace, but rest assured, it can be done.  Popular wisdom suggests you can replace the ace with a card-sized replica to stand in for them, but some dealers feel this amounts to glorified cheating.  In the end, the decision is up to you.  Alternative methods include the pathos shuffle, which involves allowing your ace partner to use merely their hand as a component of the deck and shuffling with it as if it were a card.  Specialized rectangular gloves are available to facilitate the squaring of the deck in this process.  Make sure your ace partner is properly costumed, as well, to blend in with the rest of the cards and to make them more difficult to notice for the other players.

For less sarcastic advice, try What To Do If You Think Your Partner Might Be Asexual, on my ace-allo relationship, this “Allosexual dating Ace” reddit thread, Asexual/Allosexual Relationships, Asexual/Allosexual Relationships and Sex, and Why Date An Asexual? An Interview with C.


On Partnership and Ace Guilt

[ warning for some perhaps-more-intense-than-usual talk of sexual pressure/coercion and guilt-tripping/victim-blaming ]

Remember when I wrote this post just a while ago?  I’m revisiting that topic again in light of things such as this incident and this comment and this message, but mostly because of the thread beginning with this comment:

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On Aces, Relationships, and Being “Up Front”

This post is about extending the ideas to be found in this tumblr post (go read it, it’s good).  Note that, although that link doesn’t so much, this post deals rather bluntly with issues surrounding consent, rape, and sexual pressure from romantic partners, so be warned of that.

First of all, I just made a post about some of this, and apparently that message needs to get out even more than I thought it did.  However, Tani’s post reminded me of another thought I’ve been mulling over for a while, brought to mind again when I read the paraphrased sentiments at the beginning of their post: this idea that “…asexuals shouldn’t expect allosexuals to be in sexless relationships and should be up front about the fact that they don’t want sex etc.”

Let’s focus on the latter half of that for now, because I think the problem with “you shouldn’t expect your partner to not have sex with you just because that’s what you want” speaks for itself.

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