Hey guess what I’ve been thinking about again also. Did you guess CSA rhetoric? Because the answer is CSA rhetoric.
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[tw: abuse, CSA, suicide]
me this week: pretty weird huh how the ones that are actually technically illegal-with-a-minor I’m kinda fine with having happened but the one that actually makes me feel disturbed and violated is the one that it’s perfectly legal and socially acceptable on all counts, but also, why the heck did I ever imply in public that any of the things done to me were ever at all abusive actually, that was a terrible thing to do, I’m terrible, @me I can’t believe you did that.
also me this week: unfortunately, this plan for killing myself wouldn’t actually work,
Would have been nice to not start the new year first thing by seeing someone say that “ghosting” is “the worst thing you can do to someone,” because apparently it’s just too much sometimes for people to remember that abusive relationships exist and that picking up and leaving doesn’t make you worse than the people who mistreat you enough to drive you to that. And sure whatever the point was that ‘it hurts to be on the other end of that,’ but this kind of practice of just assuming the people who need it will read an unwritten asterisk into what you say is hands down a Bad Practice and I’m already having a hard enough time sticking to my decision and figuring out the future as it is, thanks.
Bad things about spending the night of Christmas Eve entirely alone: listening to a dramatic podcast and getting all worked up about your favorite scumbag character almost dying and then turns out he’s aliiiiiive he’s aliiiiiive but then even more bad things happen and there aren’t any episodes after that and you’re left all emotionally hecked up about it with no one around to have a live conversation about it arghhhhh. Normally I could at least text someone but it’s Christmas Eve! Christmas freaking Eve! People are all doing their Christmas Eve things with their Christmas Eve people and don’t have time to be checking their phones and crap.
(he’s alive he’s alive he’s alive but now he’s in deep water and why’d you have to do that man arghhh)
Yeah my attention span is zip right now so I didn’t read all of this, but, uh, I’ve been feeling a lot of this again lately. Excerpt:
I’m also at a point in my life when most of my friends are partnered while I remain singled. I have never felt incomplete or alone without a romantic partner, but I am beginning to feel particularly singled. When I think about the benefits of romantic partnerships as exhibited both in popular culture and my own observations via my friends’ romances, I recognize that these benefits are not purely financial or physical. They are about daily and mundane interpersonal interactions of reciprocity. In short: investment, and care.
Thing is. Over the span of however much time, ranging from months to minutes from instance to instance, my thoughts keep cycling through this sort of general feedback loop that’s like… I should try to accept the fact that, realistically speaking, dating is just not viable for me… I should just stick to making friends and maintaining friendships… which I focus on, up until I start getting jealous because people are prioritizing other people ahead of me… which I can’t get mad at them for, it’s just that I’m reminded that I want to be someone’s someone that they prioritize ahead of everyone else, I want to be that important to someone, I want to be the one who comes first, and do the same for them… and the one other primary constant, that I observe, in the relationships that evoke these I-want-that feelings, seems to be sex and romance… and so I think to myself, if that’s what I want, then realistically, it can only be attained by dating someone… so I should try to get into dating… and but wait, no, here are all these reasons why dating is just not viable for me…
People who say “sincerely believing that ________ is abuse is an insult to real abuse victims” are an insult to real abuse victims.