Category Archives: Uncategorized

On “intimacy”

Hmm, okay. Here’s a thought, spurred by a fandom post of all things. I’ve seen arguments to the effect of “romance is not sex” and “sex is not intimacy,” and so on, but how about this: intimacy is not good.

And by that I mean: intimacy is not care. It can be but is not necessarily nurturing, or safe, or nice, or fond.

I need to be able to name the bad or negative intimacies because otherwise that leaves me with a relationship scale from “strangers, no connection” to “best of loves, closest kinship” with nowhere to place the rot and the lousy. There is an unwanted intimacy with witnesses to an embarrassing moment. There is an intimacy with the people who have seen you at your worst because they personally dragged you there. There is an intimacy in the connection between yourself and the ones who have deeply hurt you.

“Intimate” is not the same as “good.”

It can be powerful and electric and full of a yearning to prove something without. being. good.

It’s important to me to be able to recognize a sense of intimacy without always construing it as something positive, and I’d hope that would be important to other people, too.

This is a piece of what I think makes it so difficult to make external (in words) certain negative experiences. You might be able to recount all the moves made and the words used, but it’s sometimes hard to capture how immensely personal it feels. How potent, how close to the bone. That’s intimacy, is what it is. Some intimate interactions are made all the more negative by how intimate they are.

Anyway that’s why I need people not to take the term “intimacy” itself as a ringing endorsement, thanks.

 

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You open the door and it’s a game review but it’s not: What is knowing the devil?

This is a post about a short simple “game”/visual novel called “We Know The Devil,” because Cor has recommended it frequently enough that I actually went and played it myself. Part 1 is the non-spoilers part, and Part 2 is the part with spoilers on everything. In this post, I try to answer a few basic, simple questions: What is it about? What does that title mean? And what the heck was going on with my reaction to that ending?

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It’s the end of the semester, which means it’s time for multiple rounds of that classic conversation: “Are you going back to Texas for the break?” “No.” “You’re not going home?” “No, I live here now.” “But… what about family?” “What family?”


Normalizing the Punishment Kiss

a post talking about the normalization of kissing as sexual assault as seen on shows like The Flash and Brooklyn Nine Nine, especially when such actions are used as comedic punchlines with villains.

Prompt taken from this post by lemonyandbeatrice.

This post doesn’t entirely stick to the topic, but still — cn: attitudes about/media depictions of violence, including sexual violence, including details from a specific scene.

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a piece of de-familied solidarity

“See, this is why you don’t talk to relatives about politics.”

“How about just ‘don’t talk to relatives.'”

“YEAH!”


got some medical tests back

Doctor, looking at my test results: Has there been a death in the family?  Are you working three jobs?  Did something happen?

Me: Um.


On abused consent

Hey guess what I’ve been thinking about again also.  Did you guess CSA rhetoric?  Because the answer is CSA rhetoric.

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update

[tw: abuse, CSA, suicide]

me this week: pretty weird huh how the ones that are actually technically illegal-with-a-minor I’m kinda fine with having happened but the one that actually makes me feel disturbed and violated is the one that it’s perfectly legal and socially acceptable on all counts, but also, why the heck did I ever imply in public that any of the things done to me were ever at all abusive actually, that was a terrible thing to do, I’m terrible, @me I can’t believe you did that.

also me this week: unfortunately, this plan for killing myself wouldn’t actually work,


grooming & power talk

[cw: sexual abuse]

Periodically, Dr. T would remark on how much power I had in our relationship. This statement invariably confused me, since I felt like I didn’t have any power and couldn’t imagine what he was talking about. Sometimes he’d remark on how much sexual power I had—that he couldn’t resist me and had no discipline around me. He seemed to think I should find this flattering. (I didn’t. I didn’t want his inability to control himself to somehow be my fault.) Other times he would remind me that I could report him and cause him to lose his license. Horrified, I would protest that I would never do that, how could he even think that I would do that… And once again, he would be reassured of my loyalty. Of course I would never betray his trust.

Surviving Therapist Abuse: “Don’t Call It Consent: Being Groomed for Sex”

……three guesses what this reminds me of….


watch your hyperboles, thanks

Would have been nice to not start the new year first thing by seeing someone say that “ghosting” is “the worst thing you can do to someone,” because apparently it’s just too much sometimes for people to remember that abusive relationships exist and that picking up and leaving doesn’t make you worse than the people who mistreat you enough to drive you to that.  And sure whatever the point was that ‘it hurts to be on the other end of that,’ but this kind of practice of just assuming the people who need it will read an unwritten asterisk into what you say is hands down a Bad Practice and I’m already having a hard enough time sticking to my decision and figuring out the future as it is, thanks.