Category Archives: Askbox Answers

AA: “I am trying to be as careful as possible…”

You know, as much as I don’t actually regret writing that “what to do if you think your partner might be asexual” post (because I think the world needs it), it does seem to be, simultaneously, 1) the reason for getting a lot of messages in my askbox all like “I want to confront my boyfriend because I think he’s asexual, what do you think my approach should be” and yet, at the same time, 2) it’s also a post that these people do not actually seem to have read.

Anyway I normally give detailed responses to these things but I rarely get any indication that the intended people read them and my patience wears thin over the years, so… I have no advice for you until you go and actually read the original post.

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AA: Married 14 Years

Summer wrote in on April 25th:

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AA: Theism

Sam wrote in:

Why are you a Theist?

Ahaha. Oh man. Really? Okay.

(For those reading: that’s it. That’s the full message, as it was received.)

Well, first maybe I should clarify, I wouldn’t like… introduce myself as “a theist.” The reason this blog is called “The Ace Theist” is for the wordplay, honestly.

Anyway, I kind of wish you had said a little more or elaborated on what you were looking for here, because there’s at least several ways you could approach this question.

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AA: ace or just a virgin

LTea wrote in:

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AA: NSFW Questions

Ree wrote in:

 Hi, I just wanted to ask if you were ok with an ace!questioning email that’s pretty NSFW. If you aren’t, that’s. Oil, but if you aren’t, do you know any blogs that are? Thanks!

You know, it’s nice to be actually asked first for once.  The unfortunate part of not being used to being asked, though, is not being used to answering.  What I’ll go with saying, for now, is that adding a heads up note at the beginning of the message is enough, depending on how you handle it from there (meaning, if you’re courteous enough to send this message, you’re probably courteous to know how to go about this — I’m just trying to make a distinction between earnest but intimate questions, which are welcome to an extent, and, for instance, random nsfw flirting, which is not).  As for other blogs and their policies, I’m not really sure.  Other folks reading this — feel free to chime in.

But also, I’ll add, if you happen to one of those people who’s questioning their identity lately, and you’re looking for permission to identify as ace, despite certain things — you already have it from me.  And other people, too.


AA: Desire, Dating, and Size

[cw: sex talk, sex as a site of conflict, insecurity over weight]

Breanne wrote in:

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AA: 25 Years

[cw: sex as a site of conflict in a relationship, antigay/homophobic analogy, atrocious rape analogy]

This one isn’t very long, but I’m going to address this one piece by piece instead of in block form.

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AA: Order Up

Yesterday I got a message in my ask inbox — zero context — that consists solely of this one sentence: “So how is a sexual wife supposed to get her needs met?”

Zero.  Context.

*throws up hands*  I can only assume it has something to do with this.

So help me out here.  I know plenty of y’all have had run-ins with the “straights don’t have any problem with asexuals” crowd.   I know plenty of y’all have had run-ins with the “you shouldn’t bring up your asexuality to anyone but your partner” crowd.

Can we bring some of this to their doorstep?  Maybe round up some volunteers?  To put their heads together, and devise an answer, in their infinite wisdom, to make sure this question gets interpreted and addressed correctly?


AA: Questioning and Attraction

Anon wrote in:

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AA: Questioning a Change

[cw: relationship conflict, explicit sex talk]

Mary wrote in:

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