Author Archives: Coyote

A note on being thanked

This past… few weeks, or maybe even month or so, I’d been thinking gradually more about taking down a certain post, out of rising shame at having published it (as an embarrassing oversharing thing that I’m worry Insults The Real Survivors w/ my stupid selfish overreacting nonsense, y’know).

And, uh.  Opened my email and saw that just two days ago I got a message through here specifically thanking me for exactly that post.  So.  I might be tearing up a little bit now, that’s fine.

 

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AA: NSFW Questions

Ree wrote in:

 Hi, I just wanted to ask if you were ok with an ace!questioning email that’s pretty NSFW. If you aren’t, that’s. Oil, but if you aren’t, do you know any blogs that are? Thanks!

You know, it’s nice to be actually asked first for once.  The unfortunate part of not being used to being asked, though, is not being used to answering.  What I’ll go with saying, for now, is that adding a heads up note at the beginning of the message is enough, depending on how you handle it from there (meaning, if you’re courteous enough to send this message, you’re probably courteous to know how to go about this — I’m just trying to make a distinction between earnest but intimate questions, which are welcome to an extent, and, for instance, random nsfw flirting, which is not).  As for other blogs and their policies, I’m not really sure.  Other folks reading this — feel free to chime in.

But also, I’ll add, if you happen to one of those people who’s questioning their identity lately, and you’re looking for permission to identify as ace, despite certain things — you already have it from me.  And other people, too.


"America's Best Premium Craft Ciders: ACE"
Forgot to tell y’all that the engineer handed this card to me and told me that I’m America’s best ace.


A few days ago some joker posted a comment on one of my old posts, trying to tell me that most people who commit rape are mental ill, which 1) is a wrong & useless assertion, but also 2) did not refute or even interact with what the original post was even saying


Continue reading


tfw you want to talk to your therapist about some stress-amplified health issues but then you realize you can’t do that without spilling that a few months back there was a big spike in your suicidality and you can’t explain *that* without revealing your sex repulsion :/


If.

There are times when I think about how things would have been different growing up if teachers and other adults had chosen to express that whole idea of kids “being inappropriate” (re: making sexual comments in class and stuff) as… like… a matter of appropriate boundaries between themselves as adults and us as kids, rather than as one of the Rules, the way “do your homework” is a rule and “be respectful of the teacher” is a rule.

I mean what if those adults had told me and other kids that it wasn’t that talking about sex was taboo, but rather that they just didn’t want to necessarily share those conversations with us (outside of formalized sex ed) and that if an adult DOES want to share lots of sex jokes with a kid and share sexual conversations with a kid, that we should regard that adult as suspicious.

What if they had actively encouraged us to judge and be critical of the way adults treated us, in case of an adult stepping over a line, and what if those boundaries were genuinely treated like something for our benefit rather than another excuse to control us and scold us and brand us “bad kids,” and what if “breaking” that “rule” about appropriate talk for the classroom was reframed as not yet having learned how to set good enough boundaries for ourselves and how to be more wary of what we share with people in a position of power over us, not for fear of wrath or deliberate punishment but because there are people we will meet who will try to exploit us.

Like what if the way adults acted towards us didn’t put the idea in other kids’ heads that sex was this edgy rule-breaking thing and that having any kind of boundaries about it ourselves meant we were goody-two-shoes stuck under an adult’s thumb.  What if not setting boundaries for yourself well enough wasn’t ever framed as “acting out.”

How would my life have been different then?  Can I even imagine that?


A lot of times when people are expressing an opinion where I agree with them on the specific issue at hand they’ll do it with a kind of meta-level framing that makes me uncomfortable.


got some medical tests back

Doctor, looking at my test results: Has there been a death in the family?  Are you working three jobs?  Did something happen?

Me: Um.


Takeaways from conservative Christian sex manuals

[cw: sex-normativity, misogyny, rape culture]

It is through sexual union that people feel closest to Christ. Not only does God reveal himself in sexual love, but, as one book poetically argues, the only way mortals can find Christ is in the marital act, which is the holiest of acts. In this sense, the marital union is seen as a profound prayer, as “no human activity gives more glory to man’s creator than the act by which man is permitted to share in creation.” […]

Husbands and wives are obligated to honor each other’s sexual needs for “it is God’s will that married people enjoy sexual relations.” Abstinence from sex is allowed only under specific conditions, by mutual agreement, and temporarily. […]

The two principal types of sexual maladjustment cited in the manuals are frigidity on the part of the wife and premature ejaculation on the part of the husband. According to one book, “sexual frigidity is without doubt the greatest sexual problem threatening contemporary marriages. It is not an exaggeration to say that the majority of modern wives are, in some degree, frigid!” These authors are pessimistic regarding the transformation of cold into passionate wives. “There are frigid women, many of them, and the most skilled lovers would be powerless to ‘cure’ them.”

Lionel S. Lewis and Dennis D. Brissett, “Sex as God’s Work”

Nothing to say here that I haven’t said already.

Thanks again to Kristiny for the link.