Some stuff going on:

  • Dealing with various health issues and trying to balance out my meds & diet has been feeling like a game of whack-a-mole
  • Trying to accomplish a life thing, maybe, so I can maybe have a job that I like one day instead of continuing to be a dreary office gremlin
  • Realized I might be cutting off contact with my entire family minus my sister just in time for the holidays, nbd nbd
  • If you weren’t already aware: Imzy is out of closed beta now.  Sorry if you requested an invite from me and it got lost in transit (as happened with at least 1 person) — now you don’t need one!  Besides my critical kink comm Unravel, I recommend Sci’s Asexuality comm (specifying hers because there’s two of ’em).
  • It’s occurred to me that I actually find it pretty strange that people who say “cishet aro/aces” aren’t the same people who say “monosexuals” (mostly, anyway)
  • I’m going to a Big Thing and it’s exciting and something to look forward to but it’s also up north and I haven’t been up north since I was a toddler, please send help
  • I get bored at work and recently compiled a list of my favorite fictional depictions of abuse and abuse victims, gonna write that up as a real post one day maybe
  • Smaller big thing happening Monday, wish me mental clarity
  • I keep thinking to myself “oh no, what am I going to do for Thanksgiving” but then I remember that I’ve never even liked Thanksgiving and it’s always literally the worst food of the year to me
  • Recently joined a tabletop roleplaying group and started a new campaign like a true nerd… our party is a hot mess in the worst way but I can report with satisfaction that so far not one of us has attempted the “I roll to seduce them” tactic, so let’s end this post on that positive note

8 responses to “Update

  • code16

    Good wishes for things of various large sizes, and also for health things!

  • toafan

    > Big Thing
    > please send help

    How far north is Big Thing? I am from NY-latitudes, and can offer advice if that would be helpful. If so also what month is Big Thing, as November-December advice is different from March-April advice is different from April-May advice.

    That’s probably not quite what you meant, but you said please send help and that’s the kind of help I can offer. Well that and internet hugs.

    (Also I’m sort of assuming that if this is extremely unhelpful and not even remotely what you’re looking for and therefore weirds you out, it will never makes it out of moderation.)

    • Coyote

      In New England, this upcoming weekend. Thank you.

      • toafan

        November 12/13th? In New England? Wow, that’s like the most perfect combination for me to offer help with.

        So first of all, as that’s only a week out that is within forecast range. Go to your favorite weather site and look up the town or city Big Thing takes place in. Do this again on like Thursday, because forecasts a week out are less precise than forecasts three days out, but a weeks’ forecast is still helpful for planning.

        General awareness of where you’ll be going is good too. If you’re going someplace windy, pack to resist wind; coastal cities have sea breezes, which are going to be cold and wet; et c..

        It will be cold where you’re going. I’m in the south-end-of-New-England area, and we’re right in that lovely tail-end-of-autumn phase where any given day could be in the upper 50s or it could be literally freezing. However, I’ve got forecasts open for Boston Mass, somewhere in Maine, and my vicinity open in other windows, and they all agree that Sunday will be somewhere between twenty and forty degrees, below freezing in the morning, and have snow.

        On the other hand, and in response to the cold, most buildings and vehicles you go in will be heated in some way to some degree. They byword is “layers”. Layers trap heat, and you can arrange to take one off if you find yourself too warm.

        Wear long sleeves and clothes you can wear other clothes over. Around here, you can buy thermal-underlayer sort of clothes that are specifically designed to be skin-tight and worn under other clothes, but you might not have access to that. Hoodies or fleeces, some sort of top-layer shirt that can be taken off easily, are popular for males. Likewise, wear warm pants, or long skirts probably with tights under them. Thick jeans are okay if you won’t be outside much, but I can picture thinner jeans that wouldn’t do the job. Likewise I can picture “hoodies” made out of t-shirt material rather than sweatshirt material, that I wouldn’t think up to the job. A key part of the idea behind layering is to trap air.

        If you’re aware of whether your arms or legs get cold first, plan accordingly. Wearing an extra layer on your torso won’t do much to keep your legs warm.

        In the depths of winter, it is not uncommon for me to wear a t-shirt, one or two of my long-sleeved layering shirts, and a sweater; and then also put on a coat and gloves, and maybe a hat or scarf, when I’m going outside. It’s not that cold today, but the forecasts say it will be next weekend.

        (Some of my layering shirts are just long-sleeve t-shirts. Those tend to be the ones I wear multiple of. Others are these wonderful things called “waffle shirts”.)

        Depending on what you’re used to, you might find this kind of clothing restrictive or constricting or the like. You have my sympathetic appologies if that is the case, but it does work.

        Gloves, scarfs, hats, and coats are popular winter wear for a reason. I don’t know if you’ll be able to find anything useful where you are.

        A good coat will have an obviously water-resistant sort of look to it, be obviously thick and warm, have pockets, and have a warm hood. If you have a really good coat, that can make up for a lot, but probably won’t be of use outside of trips north. Gloves, and extra hoodie, and one of those windbreaker jackets will do most of it.
        Is renting coats an option? I don’t know. If it is, for one weekend, that might be a better option.

        If you go looking to buy stuff, my first thought is someplace like a Land’s End or an LL Bean. If you go to an outdoor store and tell them how far north you’ll be going, they can probably help you find places to look. Again though, what’s local and what will get to you in time. I’m picturing you as living around north Texas lattitudes, and I’d be surprised if they stocked a large selection of New England-rated stuff around there.

        Oh– and all of the above assumes you’ll be in buildings to a large extent. If you’re camping outside? Wear more layers, top and bottom. Wear a coat and gloves and a hat. Layer your sleeping bags –put one inside another– and get them out of direct contact with the ground — you want an air layer, but not a huge one air can circulate under, like a cot makes. If you’re sleeping in a tent, make sure it’s wind- and water- proofed.

        Whew. That’s long and rambling. I hope it’s coherent enough to be useful. If not I can attempt to elucidate further this evening.

  • Gorm

    I’m interested in the connection you see between “cis/het aces” and monosexual? I guess it suprised me because I’ve mostly seen people who are for ace and aro inclusion, aka not the people who use cishet, tend to be more pro intra community language like monsexual and allosexual. While the anti ace inclusion people tend to be very against it. I’ve even seen multiple posts saying “non-ace” is offensive, aka the very idea of “not us” language is offensive. I think this partly because a lot of bi people came to the defence of ace people saying that many of the arguments against ace people are the same ones used against bi people. Including words like allosexual and monosexual being offensive. A lot of it seems to hinge on the idea of each group facing its own unique prejudice in addiction to general “not straight” prejudice vs the idea that all prejudice against lgb(and a?) people is rooted in homophobia only(or maybe misogyny?). Idk obvious I’m generalizing a bit, and I’ve been trying to not pay too much attention to the whole thing recently so maybe I missed something? Or maybe I misunderstood you?

    I’m definitely pro ace inclusion in lgbt+ and I tend to agree with the general philosophy of people who are. But I’m conflicted on use of words like allosexual etc. I think the word allosexual is bad because of its medical history but I’m not necessarily against the idea of having a word in general. I tend to vere on the side of causion though and not use any. And I don’t feel like I’m involved in the bi community enough, despite sorta identifying as bi, to have an opinion on monosexual. I assume you are against it?

    Anyway sorry for the long, potentially missing the point. Also I’m on mobile so sorry for any spelling or structure issues. Also this isn’t an argument against what you’re saying, I’m just curious because it seems to be the opposite of what I’ve seen.

    • Coyote

      “I assume you are against it?”

      I’m neither one thing nor the other particularly. I’m not a member of any of the groups involved in that conflict so I don’t really have a stake in it. Not directly, anyway.

      “I’m just curious because it seems to be the opposite of what I’ve seen.”

      Well, it’s the opposite of what I’ve seen, too, if I’m understanding what you’re saying there. I’m just saying that now I find it a little stranger than I did before I thought about it.

      I’ve seen “monosexual” called a homophobic snarlword and routinely associated with the idea of “monosexual privilege,” and the objections to it (that I’ve seen) seem largely to do with it conceptually making space for things-that-happen-to-bi-people-but-not-gay-people without making space for things-that-happen-to-gay-people-but-not-bi-people. Or maybe that’s a misunderstanding of the arguments being made, but that’s what it has come across like. And while there are… different ways people go with that, it seems like the throughline is this concern that’s something like… people-who-say-monosexual don’t understand that *being monosexual* /in a gay way/ (i.e. not-having-male/female-attraction) is also something that gay people are punished for. It’s a position that would seem to suggest recognition of the fact that heteronormativity is about pushing m/f feelings and relationships, too, not just punishing same gender ones.

      So I don’t know why that recognition up and disappears when people start talking about “””cishet aro/aces””” and suddenly the key is attraction presences, nothing to do with attraction voids.

  • Sennkestra

    So to also comment on the monosexual thing – to be honest, I would expect the people who say “cis/het aro ace” and the people who say “monosexual” to be polar opposites. People who say the “cishet aro/ace” are the type of people who also call out so-called “bihets” for being gross fake gays and accuse them of invading and stealing from “real LG(B)(T)” people, and all sort of other biphobic nonsense. People who use “monosexual” (or the much more common counterpart “non-monosexual”) are more likely to be the bisexual and pansexual and multi-attracted people who have been targeted by the biphobia of the former group.

    As someone who originally encountered “monosexual” in offline queer/bi communities before tumblr every even looked at it, I would also recommend taking anything you read on tumblr about “monosexual” with a giant grain of salt, because a lot of it of it strikes me as wildly out of touch and doesn’t reflect how most non-mono communities actually use the term, at least in my experience? The closest comparison I can see are the “queer is a slur!” type posts – they get spread around a lot by well-meaning folks who aren’t familiar with the term and can seem sensible at a glance, but they’re full of misinformation and lack of awareness of history that just ends up harming marginalized folks more. Or, think of it as like the posts about how “split attraction models are an abusive way of forcibly sexualizing gays and all asexuals are homophobic!!” posts take one (valid) critique of how a model can be misused and massively blow it out of proportion, ignoring the rest of the complex reality of how the term is used and the many many many other advantages it carries.

    Like, a lot of those posts seem to stem from “a tumblr user made a poorly thought out argument about monosexual privilege that was full of flaws, therefore the entire concept is bunk”, but like….tumblr users make stupid arguments using otherwise valid concepts like racism and heterosexism and cissexism all the time. “Monosexual” also has a decades long history in both academic and non-academic bisexuality discussions that never seems to be acknowledges in the tumblr debates over the term. (Like, for one point, monosexual discourse that I have seen almost never makes statements like the “All monosexuals experience A and all non-monosexuals experience B” strawman; instead it’s “Monosexual straight people often experience A, Monosexual gay people often experience B, and non-monosexual people often experience C”, or “monosexual queer people most often deal with X kind of harassment, while non-monosexual queer people most often deal with Y kind of harrassment”.

    (I can rant about monosexual days but this is already getting run on and was probably not the goal of the post so…)

    Conceptually, anyway, It also makes sense that those rhetorical approaches are made by different groups though – “monosexual” was developed as a way of having more vocabulary to get at nuances of queer experiences that were not properly accounted for by a simple “gay or straight” binary; whereas “cis/het aro aces” comes from an attempt to forcibly simplify diverse queer experiences straight back into that binary.

  • Libris

    Good luck for all the things! And sympathies on the family things – hit me up should you want to, I’m on the fourth year of partial non-contact and the first year of no-holiday-contact-thanks. (And I feel you on the health stuff, ugh. Hope that balances for you soon.)

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