This is unrelated to my previous post but, I’ve been meaning to try and talk about some of the weird ways that abuse has affected my view of and reactions to positive/praise statements about real people.

Prominent example: a couple of times now I’ve seen people say, paraphrased, “when a person says ‘text me when you get home’ that means they care about you” (or “those are the best kind of people” &c.) and all that makes me think of is, that’s something that I used to hear from a person who abused me.

And, to spell this right out, just so we’re clear, I do still think that’s a nice thing to say to someone; it’s generally a sweet gesture; it’s self-evident why hearing that would make someone feel loved and why that would inspire them to make an affectionate generalization post about it.

And that doesn’t change the fact that when you phrase your personal reaction just a little too much like a Statement About What Is Good In The World, you run the risk of describing a group of people that includes the guy who wrecked me, and you run the risk of telling me that he’s a good person who loves me.  And I think it’s kind of tragic that people can put me through that kind of draining experience by sheer accident.

5 responses to “:&

  • Anonymous

    This is generally related to that thing where it is apparently better to not say “[person/thing] is [inherently] good/bad”, but rather “this person has consistently done good things, so I should expect them to do good things in the future”, or “this thing is useful for purpose A”. See http://realsocialskills.org/post/65794320627/dont-let-someone-tell-you-that-youre-not-that
    The problem is, phrasing observations or preferences in that way sounds a lot less catchy.

  • Klaaraa

    That anon was me, btw, I forgot to enter my Name, and i didn’t have any Cookies doing it for me, on that public Computer at school.
    I remember reading that post way back, but I didn’t remember it was yours. Thought it was on realsocialskills and was wondering why I couldn’t quite find the Thing, just something vaguely related.

  • luvtheheaven

    Reading this reminded me, at first, of how that statement can be made in a particularly abusive way, kind of how a stalker or very controlling person can always want to know where you are, can be overstepping their bounds with that kind of question, can be overly intrusive or be asking a question you don’t want them to know the answer to – you don’t want them to know how long you were NOT home, for instance, etc.

    But also it reminds me how even if it is used in a less “Clearly” bad way, abusive people can do “loving things” sometimes, abuse is always complicated in that way, and it reminds me of the voicemails my mother still leaves me that say “Call me, I love you” and how it doesn’t make me feel warm/happy/loved feels to get that from her, but rather stressed/angry/upset feels and that “Call me” almost feels threatening with the tone of voice, and how her love for me almost feels like a weapon against me… XD

    Ah this post was more relatable than I expected it to be, honestly. Despite the fact that I never have had a specific problem with “Text me when you get home” from anyone in my life.

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