A post in which I talk about some comments on another post of mine, entitled What To Do If You Think Your Partner Might Be Asexual.
Consequently, expect anti-ace hostility and rape apologism in spades. Please note that even for anti-ace hostility, some of these are unusually extreme.
Another disclaimer, first: There are comments on that post that are decent and fair. There are comments on that post that are morally-neutral. There are even some that I’d call sweet.
This post is not about those.
This post is about the real, living people who’ve dropped into my comment section to let me know that they think asexual people are morally bankrupt.
While I can’t be certain that all of these commenters would agree with one another (although I think it’s worth nothing, no one in that comment section has commented to argue with anyone but me), I’m going to highlight a class of comments in which I generally see traces of the three following elements:
- They express dissatisfaction.
- They indicate an opinion that my original advice points (and, sometimes, my comments on the post) are flawed and lacking something important.
- That something important is rape apologism.
A sampling, for your perusal:
..Laundry isn’t the favorite activity of many people – as sex is for my wife. But she seems to have no intention of even trying to help me, her husband, out? At this point I am just getting angry. It’s like she has no intention of lifting a finger to help the situation. Are some a-sexuals just completely incapable of empathy?…
…You’re just a c*** with a blog…
Coyote you stun me with your callous shallowness.
The attitude of asexuals is “deal with it or end the relationship and admit that you’re a selfish prick.”
The partner who is looking for a healthy, normal relationship is somehow demonized for wanting that thing that the asexual partner committed to and now will not or cannot provide. No concern is made for the sadness, confusion, feelings of rejection, or needs of the sexual partner, all that matters is the asexual one. Looking for that affect if a healthy relationship elsewhere is cheating, so in the end you either need to ignore your natural needs our leave the person and go through the true heartache of divorce
Asexuals are guilty of bait & switch as far as I’m concerned. Get you to fall in love with them…string you along with just enough sex to keep you ignorant…marriage… a kid ….then the slow decline to nothing.
I don’t appreciate being conned. Call it what you want coyote, but sexuals weren’t the ones lying in the relationship.
I really feel like you should maybe re-word this. It reads very much like ‘oh just break up then or think about separating’. It’s a very harsh reality for some people trying to deal with finding out after knowing someone for years that they arnt exactly who you thought they were, or who the portrayed to be. I would suggest saying ‘give yourself some time to think about it, don’t get in a panic and think your sexual needs are never going to be met’ there is a lot to think about and to adjust to. Just like the person who is or maybe just realising they are asexual, the partner needs time to adjust and think about all aspects.
Run!!!! For “YOUR LIFE!!!” Seriously
make them your friends and nothing else . They are like blood sucking vampires for their own selfish needs without considering yours . If someone you love won’t share intimacy they are called a friend . Friends are happy for you when you find a intimate partner who loves you like you love them . Go find a proper partner that’s not selfish for their desires 😎. It’s a lot more satisfying in life !!!
No , not at all . you are a idiot that shows no empathy to the sexual partner . Oh a problem comes up and just leave them . Asexual people change their status of the relationship singlehanded and then leave it up to you to pity them as they didn’t know until you love them . If I was a homosexual ( which I have no problem with )
I wouldn’t let a woman fall in love with me to tell them I was . Changing a sexual desire during a relationship makes you a disrespectful person with no empathy
So, in summary — not counting the insults against me personally, aces are, apparently, selfish, disrespectful, conning, bloodsucking vampires, lacking in empathy and guilty of “bait and switch,” from whom you should run for your life.
The words “selfish” and “empathy” come up time and time again. We are “selfish” and condemnable when we don’t consent to sex — that is, when efforts to coerce us into sex fail. We are guilty of “bait and switch” for existing while being capable of loving and being loved. We are monsters.
We are monsters because there are people who read sinful noncompliance into our existence.
We are monsters because someone feels entitled to control us, and we trouble their process of effortlessly extracting any sexual behaviors they want.
So let’s talk empathy for a bit.
In some of these, “empathy” is invoked when an ace, real or hypothetical, does not capitulate to others’ desires, because according to these commenters, some sexual boundaries are too inconvenient (read: gets in the way of their sexual pleasure) to be valid.
In others, “empathy” is invoked because of the style/tone/contents of my advice, creating the grounds for an objection that is occasionally, as in the case of “Me myself,” then generalized to All Asexual People, because, unbeknownst to me, I’ve been nominated as the representative of the hivemind (who did this? did y’all vote for me? I don’t have room in my office for the plaque).
On that note, I’d like to point out that the way I talk about mixed relationships is very different from how some other aces handle the topic. I’ve collected some egregious examples here, and you can also see that pattern reflected in this post, which was actually directed at other aces, and where I wrote:
So I think that ace discourse on mixed relationships is actually fascinatingly complex, tends toward empathy for non-aces, and, when harmful, is harmful for far different reasons than “doesn’t empathize with & validate the feelings of non-aces”… not that anyone saying otherwise cares what I have to say on the matter.
Anyway, back to my original post and people’s objections to it. I like to try to keep an ear open to criticism. I’m sure there are ways that the original post could be improved.
On that front, the criticism I have received (as of this date) isn’t very enlightening.
According to Chris (“you are a idiot that shows no empathy to the sexual partner . Oh a problem comes up and just leave them .”), my advice consists entirely of flippantly suggesting a break up, even though my advice actually presents more suggestions than that (and what suggestions Chris would add, Chris doesn’t say).
According to Clairec, I’m still a flippant breakup-peddler, but they go on to add some suggestions: “give yourself some time to think” is the first, which also happens to be something that was in my original post. Clairec also suggests, “don’t get in a panic and think your sexual needs are never going to be met,” which is an especially perplexing suggestion given that this Clairec apparently doesn’t believe breaking up is a good solution. From that, I can only conclude they want me to give the reader tips on how to pressure an asexual partner into sex. Otherwise this particular combination of opinions is just baffling. If “sexual needs getting met” is the first priority worth naming, then it’s not fair or right to rule out a breakup like it’s an unfair and unthinkable option — because sometimes people just aren’t sexually compatible, and no, you don’t have my permission to be a rapist.
I can be, yes, a blunt and unkind person. But even so, I think the claims about my lack of “empathy” are disingenuous. It’s not as though the possibility of difficult feelings for the non-ace reader goes unacknowledged. It’s not as though I don’t allow for the possibility that “no sex” can be a dealbreaker (and that that’s fair and okay).
What the “empathy” brigade seems to be bothered by, according to my best guess, is that I asked them to empathize with asexual people at all.