AA: love and desireability talk

[cw: sex as a point of contention in romantic relationships]

Anonymous wrote in:

Have you seen this post? “Some people desire sex and feel like they need to have sex with their partner in order to have a fulfilling & happy relationship with them, and there’s nothing wrong with that at all.” http://theasexualityblog.tumblr.com/post/142562968716/joshnewberry-peak-bad-discourse-is-its

It reminded me of your post “equating sex with love is rape culture” and I was curious as to your thoughts.

(link to “equating sex with love is rape culture”)

No, I hadn’t seen it.

This question strikes me as the kind of message sent by someone who takes issue with joshnewberry’s post but wants someone else to address it for them.  Honestly I can’t say I have a problem with that tactic.

You might not get what you hoped for, though.

Right off the bat:

Peak bad discourse is “it’s selfish/acephobic/abusive to break up with someone for being asexual you’re just prioritizing your sex drive over your partner”

–if you think that’s peak bad discourse, boy have I got some stories for you, you lucky dog.  It gets much worse than that.

like i’m sorry but different people have different intimacy requirements in relationships.

Quuuuuuuuiiiiiiiiit using “intimacy” to mean “sex.”  Nonsexual intimacy is not some oxymoronic concept.

I could also talk about how it sounds to term “dealbreakers” as “requirements” but whatever.

Some people desire sex and feel like they need to have sex with their partner in order to have a fulfilling & happy relationship with them, and there’s nothing wrong with that at all. They are 100% allowed to feel that way, desiring sex in a relationship is completely fine so long as you are not forcing your partner to do things they are uncomfortable with or straight up don’t want to do.

So here’s the part (plus some extra) that Anon quoted for me here.

It can make for tricky territory, but the way this is stated?  Yeah.  Line for line, this reads true.  I interpret this as just saying that “I don’t want sex” can be a dealbreaker for someone, and that’s fine.

Just as an ace person should never be forced to be in a relationship with someone who desires or needs sex and wants to have sex with them all the time

This part reads a little clumsy since an ace person should never be forced to be in a relationship with anyone, full stop.  People shouldn’t be forced into relationships.

But still, it’s not… wrong.

Neither people are in the wrong in this situation and the simple answer is that sometimes relationships don’t work out because different people have different wants and needs.

Fun fact: non-aces have digitally yelled at me for saying this to non-aces before.

This is NOT the same as breaking up with your partner for being bisexual/pansexual (which is a bad comparison)

It’s not a bad comparison depending on what you’re actually talking about.  The original (paraphrased?) statement that joshnewberry quoted was “it’s selfish/acephobic/abusive to break up with someone for being asexual you’re just prioritizing your sex drive over your partner” — which, written that way, could refer equally applicably to

  1. breaking up with someone for their orientation/identity
  2. breaking up with someone because of a sexual incompatibility

One is bad.  Two is fine.  Talking in a way that makes it sound like one and two are the same and one can’t exist as a separate bad scenario… is also bad.

They can’t control their need for sexual intimacy

In other news, “need” language on this topic skeeves me out.

So.  In conclusion?

I guess the OP suffered from a lack of precise wording (which *shrug* I think it was intended as a casual post anyway) and the way he talks has me thinking he might not be aware of certain things, aaaand that use of the word “intimacy” is obnoxious and contributes to the idea that to be ace is to be emotionally cold and unreachable or whatever, but the overall message seems fine.

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One response to “AA: love and desireability talk

  • Sieketya

    Although the joshnewberry post does make the mistake of equating ace with uninterested in sex. There are ace folk who find sex fun, and allo folk who don’t want to have sex. (At least, that’s my understanding!)

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