Hey, guess what happened.

Nnnnngh okay, get ready.

[cn: kink, d/s, abuse; this is a post about how some people in the kink community approach the subject of the latter two]

Remember when I posted this challenge to d/s people?  Remember how people answered?

Well.  Since then, I’ve made an account on #Fetlife, if you may recall.

So when I found a “ask a dom a question” discussion group there, who’d be surprised that I figured it might be fun and mildly provocative to copy the question over and ask it there?

You want to know what happened?

You want to know what kind of response I got?

Thread. locked. immediately.

No answers allowed, just a mod note to tell me off & state that the thread’s been locked.

I know people have a reason to be sensitive and defensive over this kind of thing, even when it’s an honest question.  I know.  Yes.  Yeah.  I’m aware.  I know!  I got it.  I know.

But… it’s a discussion group *for questions about d/s*.  If there were ever a place to ask, wouldn’t it be there?

Here’s the full comment posted by the moderator (ellipses original):

In our FAQs is a discussion called “What makes a Dom” … and there are several other discussions related to being a dom and what a dom does …

The last discussion listed is about the difference between Dominance and Abuse.

I think we have it covered. You can post your opinion of what makes a dom in one of those ONGOING discussions.

We are not going to play word games and are not going to try to prove that D/s is NOT abuse … regardless of how much you dance around the topic.

If you want to actually discuss D/s dynamics and relationships … please do.

Post closed.


So my question was considered redundant because of threads that already exist on the “what makes a dom” topic… I think?

At least, that seems to be part of it.  But clearly that’s not the only part of it.

Treating my question as an assertion (which, wrong, but yeah understandable), she says, outright, “we are not going to try to prove that D/s is NOT abuse.”

Not even going to try.

Not even “D/s is not abuse and we’re tired of getting this question on here repeatedly.”

Not even “D/s is not abuse and here are some links to explanations of as much.”

Not even “D/s is not abuse and we’re withholding an explanation/thorough discussion of as much from you because I don’t trust you and I deem you not worthy.”

Not even “D/s is not abuse.”

Just “we’re not going to try to prove it’s not.”

This topic is not up for discussion here.

Here, on the educational forum about D/s.

Seems like a little bit of an oversight, don’t you think?

I get that I come off as sketchy and my tone is wrong and my gall is wrong and I’m poking the hornet’s nest.  I know.  But honestly?  What could I have done differently, without abandoning the question?

edit: “If you want to actually discuss D/s dynamics and relationships … please do.”  HOW?  HOW DO I DO THAT WHILE EARNING ENOUGH APPROVAL TO NOT GET MY THREAD LOCKED RIGHT OFF THE BAT?   fffff “If you want to actually discuss D/s–” I WAS TRYING TO. :(


5 responses to “Hey, guess what happened.

  • doubleinvert

    Yeah. I’ve found that mods on the discussion groups can be really draconian about closing things down if they feel it’s been addressed before. Though I’m a member of a lot of groups, I mostly lurk and read. I rarely post.

    And there’s so much in the kink communities about being misunderstood. Well, no wonder when things like what happened to you are allowed to happen.

    • Coyote

      Geez, can’t imagine what AVEN would look like under that policy.

      Dunno what “actually” discussing d/s is supposed to look like, according to her.

      • doubleinvert

        When I used to be a mod at Susans.org, we only suggested folks use existing threads if they weren’t old. Otherwise, starting a new thread was no big deal. Even then, we would merge threads if need be. Munches or friends in the kink communities might be the best way to learn more. While FL is good for some things, conversations can be areas where things don’t work all that well.

        From the outside, D/s relationships can seem abusive. I think that’s the allure in some cases. Being a rape survivor myself, some folks are surprised by some of my kinks. But it goes back to the issue of control and communication. Yet on FL, there doesn’t seem to be a willingness to talk about the border between abuse and D/s dynamics.

        I know a young (compared to me) woman on FL who is a sub and is very open to communication. If you like, I could message you with her FL username.

  • elainexe

    Gahhhhhhhhhh I’m sorry Coyote. That sounds super frustrating! D:

  • (FL update) | The Ace Theist

    […] Remember that discussion group where a mod locked my thread for asking a question? […]

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