You and your words

I’m not used to relating to songs about romantic relationships.  But when I listened to this one… some of the lyrics resurrected a lot of thoughts about my breakup with the Ex-Friend.

I saved every letter you wrote me
From the moment I read them
I knew you were mine
You said you were mine
I thought you were mine

When you’re on a digital medium, you don’t always have to choose to save things.  But that doesn’t mean I didn’t.  I’ve got the text logs on my phone.  I’ve got the IM logs on my computer.  I’ve got a whole folder on my email of his writing he sent me.  I kept it all.  Even this.

This guy seemed enamored with me.  He told me he had a crush on me.  He sought out my company.

I thought… I don’t know what I thought.

I thought I was important to him.

Me being the validation-starved thing that I am, that was enough to make him important to me.

I’m re-reading the letters you wrote me
I’m searching and scanning for answers
In every line
For some kind of sign

This is the part that gets me the most.

It’s still tempting to go back and revisit the IMs that would have made me write this.  It’s still tempting to try and draw some kind of line, isolate when “it” “started.”  Try and pinpoint… what I did wrong.  When I should have noticed what he was doing wrong.  But every one thing… on its own, doesn’t seem so bad, until you see it in formation with the rest.

I still want to know if I could sort out the pieces, if I went back through the logs and could take exact quotes of what I remember him saying — him putting words in my mouth and scorning me for it.

Maybe it could help.

Maybe I’d just end up more gaslit than before.

You and your words, obsessed with your legacy
Your sentences border on senseless
And you are paranoid in every paragraph
How they perceive you

God, he would get so… indignant, about Accomplishing Something With His Life, in contrast with the recent ex he was still bitter about.  And with all the stock he placed in that book he was writing, and how he reacted to criticism of it, it was easy to think… that maybe he was even more starved for validation than I was.

Maybe I should have been more careful with my negativity?  Maybe I shouldn’t have delivered all my commentary liveblogging style.  Maybe I shouldn’t have been so incoherent when I was upset.  Maybe I shouldn’t have… gotten… triggered…

I’m erasing myself from the narrative
Let future historians wonder how Eliza
Reacted when you broke her heart
You have torn it all apart

I didn’t tell our mutual friends anything.  None of it.  I have no idea what he might have told them.  It just felt… easier, that way.  Not to face their reactions.  I didn’t want to hear their excuses for him.  I didn’t want to hear them take his side.  I decided not to give them the chance.

You forfeit all rights to my heart
You forfeit the place in our bed
You sleep in your office instead
With only the memories
Of when you were mine

I like to imagine that he has some regrets.

Maybe that’s too much to hope for.


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