Sometimes I can lead people to believe that I’m actually kind of clever. I can even convince myself of that, most of the time. But sometimes, I do things to myself that are really, really… foolish.
Wouldn’t you think I would know better than to read meta on a character that I hate?
No. No, I don’t know better. I was — I don’t know, hoping for a glimmer of criticism somewhere in there. That would have been reassuring.
Instead, I found myself skimming over paragraphs and paragraphs of this person delving into this character with this palpable admiration that boasts the character’s complexity and aims to draw you into participating in the same reverence for him and what the narrative did with his role in the story and man, turns out that’s a good way to pitch me over into feeling like I’d just witnessed a close call on a busy highway.
See. I already have these anxieties that few people are that interested in empathizing with people like me because of — a lot of things, but — definitely reinforced by the way media treats characters that have anything much in common with me & how fandom in general treats them, as well. If I were a fictional character, I can’t count on many people cherishing me that much.
But characters like that guy I mentioned up there? Men who would unnerve me in real life? The ones reminiscent of my own bullies and abusers? Outpourings of empathy.
And it creeps me out as a human being in general, but particularly as an ace, when it’s a character who tried to make another character have sex.