Another Weird Assumption by Demi Critics

The logic goes like this.  You may feel asexual when you’re single, but when you’re in a romantic relationship, you’re as allo as everybody else.

This is a case that was made to me during an online argument a few months back.  As best I can figure, it relies on at least three unspoken requirements:

  • Strong emotional bonds only form within the bounds of romantic relationships.  No one forms strong emotional bonds with their friends.
  • Demis experience sexual attraction to 100% of the people they’re emotionally invested in.
  • Demis start experiencing sexual attraction as soon as a romantic relationship begins.  The exact moment that they update their Facebook relationship status, a switch flips and their partner is now sexy.
  • Bonus: aromantic and nonamorous demisexuals don’t exist.

9 responses to “Another Weird Assumption by Demi Critics

  • luvtheheaven

    True. (as in, these assumptions are false, but people are making these kinds of leaps.)

    You’re forgetting about the lack of understanding of what it’s like to ONLY find your partner sexually attractive but not anyone else at all, and how “not allosexual” that experience really is.

    • (S)crawl Foreword

      YES, thank you. As someone who has been cheated on many times, I feel like my demisexuality plays a part in how I react and cope. Not that it’s worse for me than anyone else because of this, but certainly different. Especially when considering rebuilding trust with new likely partners. I have tried finding discourse on such things, but have had no luck. So if anyone wants to chime in with their own experience of cheating/jealousy, I would like to hear them.

    • Kasey Weird

      Yes this! I was going to make the same point, but glad to see someone else already has :)

  • Siggy

    Hey actually that’s not too different from the model I had of demisexuality back in 2009 when I was still wondering if I might be demisexual. I specifically recall asking about aromantic demisexuality, and whether that might simply express itself as aromantic asexuality. I remember people being confused by the idea. Of course, at the time there were multiple conflicting demisexual models, and it was pretty hard to make sense of them. Also people didn’t really talk about platonic relationships to the extent they do now. Takes me back…

  • Aqua

    Well said! Isn’t there also the false assumption that there aren’t sex-repulsed demisexuals, or that the repulsion goes away as soon as they experience sexual attraction?

    • Coyote

      Wow, y’all are picking up on all sorts of things I missed.

      Also yeah this specific person who inspired this was very confused at how someone could be both sex-repulsed and experience sexual attraction.

  • Libris

    Also the assumption that you necessarily experience sexual attraction in the same way as allosexuals, and don’t still feel alienated by that expectation/model/etc. And that, to continue from luvtheheaven’s comment, not only is *only* experiencing sexual attraction to your partner a Normal Allosexual Experience, it also erases anything you may have felt or internalised or whatever from before the relationship.

  • Hezekiah the (meta)pianycist

    Thank you for codifying this. *bookmarks for later use*

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