x

Even though I don’t have a good opinion of the older posts on this blog, one thing I keep going over in my mind is how odd it is to me… that someone who’s trans and/or not-straight and has dealt with heteronormativity and/or cissexism on a personal, immediate basis and possesses an intimate knowledge of those forces… could look at my post saying “don’t call me straight” in which you see me waffling and wavering and hesitantly identifying as kinda-sorta-maybe-if-you-force-my-hand cisgender & heteroromantic…

and could look at that and be like “Yeah this person’s 100% cishet and in denial.  Yep.  No question.”

And that doesn’t raise any red flags?

A blogpost that’s really obvious about my status as questioning somehow doesn’t register in their mind as indicating that I might be questioning?

Despite no doubt having personal experience with that situation, they somehow don’t pick up on any of the signs?

Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised or anything, maybe I shouldn’t expect anyone to recognize that experience in other people, but it still seems kind of… weird.

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11 responses to “x

  • (S)crawl Foreword

    This is also something that strikes me as odd, however some people just aren’t as intuitive. They don’t consciously try to view these issues, so they overlook them. I was actually pondering something similar in terms of anxiety; where my husband told me to ask for help if I thought of anything, when he also suffers anxiety and “should” know that asking in times of need is extremely difficult.

    To be clear, I am not equating the two experiences. But there’s a similarity worth mentioning. Some people find it hard putting themselves in your shoes, even if they’ve worn them before.

  • Moose

    Sorry, but “kinda hetero, maybe cis” only reads as questioning when it’s not paired with “I am not straight!!!” When it is, it reads as “I’m a straight cis person who desperately wants to appropriate LGBT experiences.”

    You are absolutely welcome in LGBTQ spaces as a questioning person!! But it’s not because you’re asexual.

    People who aren’t subject to systemic homophobia and/or transphobia aren’t entitled to LGBTQ communities. LGBTQ communities are not a “catch-all” for people who are hurt by gender/sexuality norms, it’s a political coalition with a 100+ year mutual history. There’s a reason cis straight kinksters and cis straight polyamorous people are also not part of the LGBTQ coalition, even though they can also face criminalization and medicalization. That doesn’t make LGBTQ polyamorous people and LGBTQ kinksters any less LGBTQ.

    Also, trying to erase the differences between aces/aros who experience homophobia/transphobia and those who don’t is homophobic/transphobic.

    • Coyote

      Well hello.

      Was there anything about wanting access to LGBT spaces in my original post? I honestly don’t remember. I’ll check for myself in just a min.

    • Coyote

      Okay, I skimmed over it (reading my old blogposts makes me cringe) and it looks like I was saying I was fine with being told to stay out of LGBT+ spaces on the condition that people aren’t under the misconception that I’m straight.

      Do you think “isn’t straight” and “has a place in LGBT+ spaces” should be mutually inclusive?

      • Moose

        Hm, I see what you’re saying, but I think you misunderstand what straight means. Straight means “does not have LGBPetc. attraction.” There’s an honorary “T” as well, for historical reasons: even straight trans people are usually not seen as straight by society, and trans people have historically taken the brunt of violence and discrimination against non-straight people. (What I’m trying to say is that some trans people identify as straight, but some trans people without LGBP attraction don’t identify as straight and that’s valid.)

        What bothers me about the way you want to phrase it is that you can’t really divorce “I’m not straight” from denying that non-LGBTQ aces/aros have straight privilege. It’s a bit like cis women who claim that “cis” shouldn’t apply to them because they face oppression for being women. As trans people we have to be able to name our oppressors; the same is true for LGBPQ people.

        I’d understand if an aro-ace person didn’t want to say “I’m straight,” but they also aren’t not-straight. (Assuming they are cis,) they still have access to basically all straight privilege (for example, not being denied housing when the landlord finds out that their “roommate” is actually their romantic partner) and are not targeted by homophobia.

        • Coyote

          I don’t understand. Do you consider aro aces a type of straight people?

          • Moose

            IDK, do you deny that cis aro-ace people have straight privilege and benefit from institutional homophobia?

          • Coyote

            Hm. I’d say they don’t experience homophobia, but don’t have straight privelege. Kind of like how a lesbian doesn’t face biphobia but doesn’t have straight privelege (or “monosexual privilege” for that matter). It sounds like you’re using “doesn’t face homophobia” and “is straight” to mean the same thing. Am I interpreting you correctly?

    • Sciatrix

      As an ace woman in a same-sex marriage: this is total bullshit. I didn’t read as straight when I wasn’t in a relationship, and I don’t read as straight now. And I don’t necessarily identify as having a romantic orientation, full stop. Drawing a line in the sand that “aces are not welcome here on the basis of their asexuality, only if they’re same-sex-attracted ENOUGH” is honestly a sentiment that does more to keep people like me who are ace and primarily relate to sexuality/romance through a lens of asexuality but who are also fairly obviously not straight than it does to keep out the kind of appropriative cis heteroromantic asexual people you’re thinking of. Frankly, in my experience, most of them aren’t seeking out access to LGBTQ+ communities in the first place. But I can think of half a dozen asexual or asexual-spectrum people like me–people who are obviously enough not-straight to catch attention for it from others, or who are some variant of non-cis–who have talked to me about hovering outside the edges of LGBTQ spaces wondering if they are welcome.

      I have a lot of anger about this, because I have simultaneously seen enough sentiment like yours that I don’t automatically feel welcome in general-queer-community spaces anymore and have seen nice cis gay and bi people react with horror and surprise when I talk about those feelings, or express hurt when I withdraw from those spaces. Your nice clean bright line has a cost, and it is not necessarily the cis heteroromantic aces bearing it that you’re thinking of when you draw that line.

  • Tiered Straightness Theory | The Ace Theist

    […] binary-alignment language (both woman-aligned and man-aligned) overlap with the people who figure het-less people like aro aces have straight privilege.  Aro aces are clearly nonbinary in relation to the het/lgb binary as much as people with […]

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