I wouldn’t have listened to myself

just a personal post on abuse stuff, nothing to see here

I wouldn’t have listened… I would not’ve listened to someone pointing out those red flags.

-Cor, here, talking about something completely different that still reminded me about this post I’ve been meaning to write

This started out as a cautionary impulse.  I wanted to write a vague reflection piece, commenting on how experiencing abuse makes you trust people a little (lot) less and all these other things I’ve since forgotten how I wanted to say… but no matter how I reworded it and reworked it in my mind, I couldn’t get it to sound convincing enough; I couldn’t make it sound like something that wouldn’t have had me-from-before-my-toxic-friendship-with-That-Guy nodding along like that’s how things are supposed to be and thinking “that’s just something it’s wise to expect anyway.”

And then I realized: oh.

Maybe, maybe I was a little messed up even before that.

And then I got to thinking about how drawn I am to Stockholm Syndrome narratives, and how when I imagined my own little stories as a kid, those were some of the very first stories I played out in my head, of characters with such low expectations of how they were to be treated by another character that any basic decency and friendliness earned undying loyalty and gratitude, and how much I gobbled that up in media and always have, and I realized–


Ohhh, kid.

You didn’t even know to take that as a sign of anything.


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