in reference to my previous post

[cw for mention of suicidal thinking (not mine don’t worry)]

Nothing like sitting on your living room floor having a panic attack at one in the morning all feeling nauseous and hyperventilating while your roommates bicker about the color of the walls and make dark jokes in an attempt to lighten the mood for you and find a bag for you to breathe into all because you were reading a fictional story with a non-graphic allusion to the fact that a couple of secondary characters had off-screen sex.

This is weird even for me.  I mean, it’s never gotten this bad before.  This is as confusing as it is upsetting because it doesn’t make any sense.  I’ve read more graphic things than that and been fine, for Pete’s sake.

(it may have had something to do with the fact that one of the characters in question was just having a suicidal episode and literally the next we see him he’s happy in bed with his new lover, so that was jarring, but I’ve had this anxious reaction in milder forms to references to fictional sex before even in ordinary circumstances — just never this bad until now)

This is ridiculous.  Why am I like this?

Anyway I was kind of calmed down by the time I started writing this post (+ maybe the pepto bismol is helping with the killer nausea) and I think I’m going to bed now because being unconscious sounds really appealing about now.  Not sure if I’ll be able to fall asleep though.

Did I mention that this is ridiculous?


10 responses to “in reference to my previous post

  • elainexe

    I don’t find it ridiculous. I find for some things, most of the time I might be numb to them, but if I try to analyze myself in relation to that topic I start getting more emotional. I peel back layers of myself to a more vulnerable state. I don’t know if you might experience this sort of thing, but as you said, you were just writing about feeling anxious at mentions of other people having sex. That would probably make me more vulnerable.
    I tried to write a non-explicit sex scene with my non-human role play character once. It ended in anxiety and crying. Despite reading other non-explicit sex scenes written by other members of the role play group, it was different for me to try to get into the mind of my character, making it more personal. I don’t know if perhaps something about these characters in the story you were reading felt very personal?
    Well I hope the best for you. I’ve prayed for you (I hope that’s not weird ^^; ). And I’m willing to talk/listen if you would like.

    • Coyote

      It’s not weird. And thank you.

      This was with roleplay OCs, actually. That doesn’t completely explain things, since I’ve read similar exposition before, but that could have played a role. ….Pun unintended.

  • Gable

    Oh man… Yeah, I really get this. I’m not sure if I can say anything to help you through this, but you definitely aren’t alone with this kind of experience.

    Uh… I’m not sure if I should share cause I don’t want to make things any worse for you. Don’t read on if you think it could. Well, briefly, I’m generally repulsed by bodies, although it’s most severe concerning death, spines, or primary sexual characteristics. However, I’m used to seeing depictions of genitalia in porn comic things as I’ve had a bit of a horrified fascination for years, to the point that that kind of stuff doesn’t really effect me too much. Anyway, I stumbled upon an anatomy textbook line drawing depiction of a vagina/vulva/whatever, and this was in a context that it was the topic of discussion, and of my own freaking genitalia, and I had a panic attack. I couldn’t rationalize that at all. Confusing, upsetting, and irreconcilable with how I understand my tolerances.

    It’s not quite the same, but it resonated with me, and I believe it kind of exists in the same vein.

    P.S. I’ve been reading this website for about a month or so, and your experiences have resonated the most with me compared to other asexual bloggers. You’ve been a tremendous help in providing a frame of reference for me to sort out my own experiences and feelings, and I’ve actually experienced a great deal of widened perspectives that have seemingly little to do with what I’ve read of your writing, like gender for one. But things I believe I never would have gone on to consider, namely because I default to my conservative Christian background, but this is a safe space for me to consider these things. So thank you for providing this safe space, and writing things that provide such a valuable frame of reference for those scared off by a sudden “You’re ace? LGBTQ+GendernotSexSocialJusticeTumblrFeminist” like I was.

    • Gable

      Ergh. In the p.s. I meant things that you’ve just briefly touched on or alluded to, not things that ‘seemingly have little to do with… your writing’. Those brief allusions, like pronouns in your about page, were thought provoking for me, and easily accepted, because you weren’t selling it as an ace narrative, like the majority of aces are genderqueer or something (even if they are, I just wasn’t equipped to accept that in the past), just a minor fact we might find interesting or as context for some things you say.

      I hope this is coming across like I’m thinking it, I’m so sleep deprived. Good Night.

    • Coyote

      Thank you. That’s sweet of you to say.

      Sorry I can’t offer more of a response to this. As expected, I only got a few hours of sleep last night, so I’m both physically and emotionally exhausted right now. But thank you for commenting.

  • Elizabeth

    I’ve noticed… for me, a lot of times there’s a build-up. It’s not necessarily one particular thing that causes a panic episode. Sometimes something that seems very “minor” in context of all the other things I’ve been dealing with and apparently processing just fine will suddenly set me off like that, and it’s very confusing and disorienting. Sometimes after I examine it later, I’ll figure out that there was a covert trigger underneath whatever it was that set me off so bad—some kind of implication or assumption hiding just beneath the surface, that’s related to something traumatic. Other times, it isn’t even that… it’s just wherever my headspace was at to begin with when I happened to run into that seemingly minor trigger. Too many things going on, too much stress, accumulating triggers, that sort of thing.

    It sounds like either of those could possibly be the case for you? You’ve had a pretty rough time lately, so try to take it easy, and give yourself a break. I’ve been there with the “this is ridiculous! why?” thoughts… but it’s actually pretty normal to have that sort of thing happen. I was told it takes at least 72 hours to truly recover from a panic episode, and during that time you’ll probably be exhausted and still very on-edge. So keep that in mind, and don’t demand too much of yourself.

    Take care.

    • Coyote

      Thank you for telling me that. All of this, really, but also now I feel a lot less weird about the fact that it’s been over 24 hours and I still feel the lingering effects of it.

  • Sciatrix

    Let me know if you want to hang out with a bunch of aces–if you can’t get a ride down here/don’t feel safe to drive, I can pick you up tomorrow. Not sure it would be helpful, but if you got triggered by that maybe spending a lot of time with us might be useful? IDK, the offer’s open if you want it. :)

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