I keep thinking

I keep thinking about that guy who was my friend, still.  I keep thinking about my coworkers who are still friends with him and how I’m supposed to interact with them now, not knowing if they know what happened but not having a reason to ask.  I keep thinking about aces with cruel friends and partners who they make excuses for and want to keep.  But mostly, I just want reassurance for myself, that I shouldn’t try to work it out with him.  That how he was the rest of the time doesn’t make up for it.  That I shouldn’t start texting him again.  That I shouldn’t try to figure out what exactly was going on in his head or how the things he said could possibly make sense because they don’t, they won’t.

When I finally read Bancroft’s book like I’ve been meaning to, this sentence really resonated with me:

He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential.

…Yeah.  This hurts full of truth.

And in spite of everything, I keep thinking about it.  The chat logs of our discussion over gchat, specifically.  I bet I could find them.  I could read over them again and look for confirmation of what I was in denial of at the time.  There’ll probably be a lot of crying involved, but I want to do it, to post the text here, to put it on record.  A string of concrete examples for anyone to see.

I don’t actually know what I’m hoping for.

But I keep thinking about it.

12 responses to “I keep thinking

  • captainglittertoes

    I feel this! I’m obsessing too. :/

  • queenieofaces

    I’ve been there. It sucks. But you’re better off without him. There’s a good chance that you’ll never get closure or understand exactly what was going through his head, and that will hurt, but it’s not worth going back to maybe find it out. There are some mysteries that will never be solved. (If there weren’t, what would historians fight over when they start writing your biography?) That’s okay. There will be other people, and hopefully they will be better and kinder and more easily comprehensible friends.

    You are rad and you deserve rad people.

  • epochryphal

    I have so many archived chatlogs, and transcribed texts. Trying to retain objective truth. And journal entries for the how-I-felt part.

    I try to keep them buried out of my way in my computer. To know they’re there, evidence, scars. To not have to see them all the time.

    I resonate so hard with wanting to just copy-paste-send, here read this transcript and…I dunno yeah. Get closer to understanding? Provide an outsider’s yes/no that was/n’t fucked up, yes/no I handled it well/poorly/understandably?

    I would offer to swap with you, but. I dunno that it’s. Useful. I’ve shared in the past, and the lack of somehow-perfect reaction made it worse, I think.

    That feel.

    • Coyote

      That’s… a good point; I can imagine that making it worse. And I definitely can’t get that somehow-perfect reaction if I don’t even know what I’m expecting to begin with.

      Gonna mull that over some more. Thank you.

  • tsuchi

    This reminds me of a friend I used to have that didn’t understand that I had changed, and didn’t want to accept their skewered idea of friendship anymore. I tried to explain to them how they were making me feel and how it was hurting me, had been hurting me for a while now, but they thought that because I clearly hadn’t made a fuss about it before, that I shouldn’t be making a fuss about it now. We couldn’t agree that they were treating me badly, and eventually drifted apart after that. I still have the argument we had saved in a text file on my computer somewhere. I felt like I needed evidence for what they had said to me, if I ever needed to remind myself why I had decided to ended it.

    I do wonder every now and then when we cross paths, how justified my complaining actually was. It’s true that we had both changed since we met, but I had changed in a way that didn’t allow me to take what they were doing lying down anymore, at least without attempting to do something about it. I do think that I am probably better off for doing this, but we were friends for a reason, and a bit of regret that it had to happen still comes up sometimes.

    • Coyote

      No matter what, if you didn’t like how the relationship worked, then that’s reason enough to end it.

      That’s what I keep telling myself, too.

      He could be really great sometimes, and I miss that, but that doesn’t make it worth the cost.

  • Calum P Cameron

    I have nothing to offer this conversation. It is a subject on which I would not know where to start and where there is a profound chance of me screwing up badly and causing more hurt, out of sheer blind-stumbling incompetence.

    As such, you may all, if you are so inclined, interpret this comment as the approximate cyber-equivalent of half-smiling sadly, shrugging apologetically and offering everybody tea (or, like, alternative beverage of choice).

    Hang in there.

  • luvtheheaven

    In my own way, I know how you feel. It’s been about 7 years now since I’ve gone NC (no contact) with my mother, but she still calls my cell phone every once in a while, and leaves me voicemails, and it’s hard to feel like I’m doing the right thing by never talking to her. I know her sisters still talk to her on the phone sometimes, and I wonder if I could ever really explain to those aunts of mine what exactly my mother did to me or why I have cut her out of my life. It’s kind of impossible to explain, fully. For someone else to really understand. It just… and like queenie said, “There’s a good chance that you’ll never get closure or understand exactly what was going through his head, and that will hurt, but it’s not worth going back to maybe find it out.” – that’s such a true statement, unfortunately.

    I wish everyone here, especially you Coyote, the best of luck in moving past all of this in your life. I’m sorry your former friend has caused this in your life. I’m sorry it’s all so confusing and painful.

  • Hezekiah the (meta)pianycist

    Your feelings are valid and it’s completely okay to not want to re-traumatize yourself. Take care of yourself. <3

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