What possesses someone to write a rambling article on asexuality when they haven’t even done enough research on the subject to have even encountered something as basic as the concept of romantic orientation?
(link cw for general aura of fail, including a statement that could be taken as an endorsement of rape) [edit 2: serious tw for rape if you read the comment section at this point]
[edit: and they just passive-aggressively liked this post. good grief.]
That post is tiresome for a lot of reasons, and one of the primary themes it harps on is the insinuated idea of the predatory asexual out to trap someone in an unsatisfying relationship, while the threat that allosexual people pose to asexual people, certeris paribus, is largely ignored. This “watch out! you might accidentally date an asexual!” attitude is completely and utterly backwards, and asexual people aren’t the ones who need to be “responsible with their orientation”. Allo folks’ selfish, damaging priorities with that paradigm are precisely the reason I’ve written things like this:
What I’m saying is — if sex-averse asexuals are asked to disclose a disinterest in sex, can’t we also ask sex-favorable people to disclose an interest in sex? Can’t we ask allosexuals to be up front about whether they care about their sexual attraction being reciprocated? Can’t we go beyond acknowledging aces’ existence and edit the script for romantic relationships such that it doesn’t uphold the idea of “everyone’s sex-favorable + allosexual until proven otherwise”?
[…] I refuse to prioritize aces’ responsibility to be “up front” and “disclose” their dislike of sex anywhere near as much as I will prioritize allos’ responsibility to not rape.
And as if enforcing allosexuality on men and telling everyone else that their feelings aren’t legitimate until a man feels the same way wasn’t enough, the culture of compulsory male sexuality also contributes to the anxieties of sex-repulsed asexual people who date allosexual people, especially male ones — because no man could really be satisfied with a nonsexual romantic relationship, it says. A man who claims to accept your boundaries is only trying to trick you, it says. He’s lying, it says.
And, hell, maybe he is. I’ve heard enough to be wary. But I also hate to see this idea naturalized (“there is no man in the world this innocent” and “unbelievably chaste”), as if sincerity in these matters is not just unlikely but impossible.
This is part of the reason why it’s so confusing to see someone (like Dan Savage) worrying that sneaky asexual people might be luring unsuspecting
allosexuals into sexless relationships.
Dear allosexual people: We’re not trying to trick you. If anything, we’re afraid of you.