What To Do If You Think Your Partner Might Be Asexual

So you’ve come to the conclusion that your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, datemate, sweetheart, smooch, or life partner of some sort… might be asexual.  If you’re in this situation, it’s very important that you be careful as you proceed.  Here’s what you need to do.

1) Calm down.  I’ve seen people act like this is the end of the world, and it’s not.  If your partner is asexual, figuring that out is not the same thing as finding out that your partner is an international spy, or a drug lord, or a robot.  There are a lot of things that could happen from here, but it’s going to be okay.  If you’ve got negative initial feelings about this, you need to put those on hold for now.

2) Research.  A lot.  Don’t just take a glance at the AVEN wiki and the wikipedia page and then think you’re all set to go.  Research.  Seriously.  This is something personally relevant to your life.  Are you going to trust a dictionary definition and a Yahoo Answers page and leave it at that?  No, you’re going to root around Asexuality Archive, you’re going to find swankivy’s youtube channel, you’re going to study everything I’ve got on this blog’s Links page, you’re going to look up asexual people’s accounts of their experiences — coming out stories, personal reflections, daily gripes and complaints about non-asexuals who don’t understand, as much and as many as you can find — because you’re going to do this right, and that means looking past the dry definitions into the real meat of the matter, as told by asexual people themselves.

You’re going to make sure you understand exactly what asexuality is and what it isn’t.  You’re going to study up on what’s appropriate to say to an asexual and what isn’t.  You’re going to learn what kinds of prejudice and negative bias asexuality is subject to and all the illogical, unscientific beliefs they’re founded on.  You’re going to learn the difference between sexual attraction, sexual arousal, and sexual behavior.  You’re going to learn how to talk about sexual attraction and all the other types of attraction and how they’re different.    You’re going to get more familiar with this subject than the back of you hand and then some.  And then you’re going to remind yourself: you still don’t know asexuality as well as the people who experience it.  Defer to their judgement.  You are not an expert.

3) Determine what you need.  If you’re reading this guide, chances are you’re not having as much sex as you’d like to (or think you’re supposed to).  Regardless, you’ve got two choices before you.

If you think your sexual preferences and your partner’s sexual preferences are incompatible, that is an appropriate reason to break up.  If you don’t want to date, marry/be married to or romance/be romanced by a person who doesn’t find you sexy, to the point where that’s an absolute dealbreaker for you, that is an appropriate reason to break up.  Anything is an appropriate reason to break up, in any relationship.  You’re allowed to take that choice.

The most important thing to remember, though, as you seek to verify whether the aforementioned possibilities are the case, is not to blame your partner for being the way they are.  As you should have learned during your research spree, asexuals are often anxious and terrified that they will be seen as defective and unloveable and will be rejected for their asexuality.  If you do choose to break up, emphasize that you’re doing so because the two of you are incompatible, not because you see anything inherently wrong with asexuality.  Thorough research on asexual people’s experiences will enable you to do so in a way that avoids being passive-aggressive or condescending and will help you to empathize with their situation.  Even if you are angry with your partner and still hold certain things against them, it’s important to stress that asexuality itself is not one of these things.  For more input, Hezekiah has written some notes on ending a sexless relationship that you can view over on their blog.

However, if you do want to continue the romantic relationship and are even willing to compromise your sexual desires in order to remain with your partner, that is absolutely an option.  There are many asexual people who enjoy being in romantic relationships, and there are some allosexual (non-asexual) people who can and do have healthy romantic relationships with asexuals.  If your partner is asexual, it does not mean that they do not love you.  Not all love is romantic, for that matter, but that’s a whole ‘nother kettle of fish.  So, consider this good news: if you want it to, your relationship can still continue.

The point of this step — determining what you need — is for you to commit to one of these options.  It’s one or the other.  If your hunch turns out to be true and your partner is asexual, you’ll have to either accept their asexuality or end the relationship.  Continuing the relationship while acting as though you are entitled to their body and trying to change them is not an option.

4) Put yourself in their shoes.  Before approaching your partner on the subject of asexuality and whether or not it may describe them, take a good, long time to ponder, if they’re asexual, what it must be like for them to live in a culture that pressures them into pretending to be someone they’re not.  Think about the stigma against asexuality as a personal flaw, a product of emotional damage, as a mental disorder, as a severe, unacceptable problem and its casual association with of a lack of humanity, and then think about the hesitance that they might have to apply that label to themselves in such a context.  It is extremely common for asexual people to discover the word for their orientation (and that it’s an orientation at all) rather late in life — usually on the internet or through a friend, by complete chance or happenstance — and it’s common for them be slow and doubtful about adopting it as their identity label.  If you haven’t already found at least half a dozen separate instances of asexuals reporting this experience, that’s a sign that you have not researched enough.

Understand that many asexual people experience a period of feeling lost and confused about their sexuality and identifying instead with a different (incorrect) label, which they may be hesitant to part with.  The way sexuality is commonly talked about in our culture can make it difficult for them to come to terms with their true feelings until they can be reassured of what asexuality is and is not.  As such, even if your partner is 100% asexual, they may not know that they’re asexual.  It is not fair to hold that against them.  They are not intentionally deceiving you or victimizing you by not having access to a complete understanding of themselves.  If you need someone or something to blame for this unnecessary confusion in your relationship, blame the society that thinks educating people about asexuality is unimportant.  Keep these things in mind as you go forward.

5) Communicate with your partner.  Do not confront your partner.  It is important not to be hostile, or else they will not be receptive to anything you have to say, and then the entire conversation will have no hope of being productive.

First, it may be helpful to pick an article or compile some resources to share with your partner.  Bring what you’ve selected to the table with them or send them some links as in an email.  Then be prepared to have a discussion about their thoughts.  What do they think?  Have they heard of this before?  How do they feel about it?

Regardless of whether your partner ever decides to adopt the label for themselves, they may react in one of two ways: 1) cautiously/positively, in a way that is accepting of asexuality as a valid sexual orientation that deserves support, or 2) critically/negatively, with a dismissive or scornful response that raises allegations you should already be familiar with — claiming (or asking whether) asexuality is a mental disorder, an attempt to “look special”, simply a choice and not a real orientation, etc.  If their reaction falls into the latter category, it is important that you redirect them to the correct information and properly defend the validity of asexuality as an orientation.  This is for two reasons: 1) because they could be an allosexual who might go on to harm an asexual person with their prejudiced attitudes, and 2) because they might be an asexual person who needs your help overcoming internalized anti-asexual beliefs.  It’s your responsibility to communicate your disagreement in either case.  Be confident but gentle.

During the discussion, if things are proceeding smoothly (or even if they aren’t), give them the information they need, communicate that you would accept them (and, if this is true for you, still love them) if they turned out to be asexual, and let them have time to process.  You should keep your expectations reasonable here — don’t go into this conversation expecting your partner to immediately say, “Yes.  That is what I am.  You found me out.”  Be open to the possibility that your suspicions were wrong (you don’t necessarily have to bring those suspicions up at all) but be sure to let them know — if you’re choosing to keep the relationship — that you’d be okay with having an asexual partner.  Leave it available as an “option”, so to speak.

Be willing to talk about the subject multiple times and have this conversation more than once.  Be willing to compare your experiences with theirs and talk to them about how sexual attraction feels for you, while being willing to retreat from the subject if they seem uncomfortable.  Let them know, if this has been a point of contention between you, that you understand that they don’t have an obligation to have sex with you under any circumstances, and reassure them of their right to bodily autonomy.  During this conversation, or after some time, your partner might inform you that they think they might be asexual.  At this point, confirm again that you would be okay with it and reassure them of your acceptance.

If you have more questions about asexuality, you can always send them to me (anonymously, if you wish) via my Askbox.

Note: I am writing this as a response to the posts I’ve seen by people who were suspecting that their husbands might be asexual and who were handling the matter inappropriately.  My hope is that this post will reach someone in the same situation before they make any of the same mistakes.

111 responses to “What To Do If You Think Your Partner Might Be Asexual

  • Linkspam: March 28th, 2014 | The Asexual Agenda

    […] Acetheist has advice (for non-asexuals) if you think your partner might be asexual. […]

    • Christopher aboufadel

      Well i don’t know if i’m rushing things, but i’m in a relationship with a girl and it’s been going for 3 months now, ive known the girl for about 2 years and we’ve been very close friends for about 8 months. I Am deeply in love with her and so is she and we’re the only reason one of us hasn’t took his own life yet. She’s been through alot in her life and so have i, and i know this is an article for married people and i’m 18 years of age but i am desperately in need for guidance. Now she was a hard one to crack, she wasnt so intimate, and i needed intimacy,and in my surroundings my friends and their girlfriends are always so intimiate it kind of effected me and i had suspicion about her feelings towards me like maybe she only stuck with me because she doesnt wana hurt me, but then that got better after she did some inteospection and i came clean about it in a very cute way. But now i’m at a new dilemma, and it got me a bit freaked out for a bit. I just learned that she is disgusted by sex after an argument about sex before marriage when she specifically said that shes not against before marriage but then when i asked her personally she says that she finds it disgusting and she would rather do anything besides that. And then i talked to her about it. So she ruled out asexuality because apparently she does have urges every once in a while, but i’m not so sure. What are the chances that this could be the effect of her ambiance? She lives with a single mother who is very religious and has never spoken to her about sex, not to mention their troubles with her dad and her mom being so oppressive to a point where i feel like i’m in a relationship with rapunzel. She never had the kind of friends a person deserves they were all during a small phase, i’m her first and she is mine too. What are the chances that it can change with time? That i may be able to get through to her? I mean im not THAT eager for sex i love her too greatly to base the relationship on that i’d love her even if she was asexual but in the end there is always going to be libido i am afraid of my emotional release.

      • Coyote

        “And then i talked to her about it. So she ruled out asexuality because apparently she does have urges every once in a while, but i’m not so sure.”

        Well, if she’s ruled it out, she’s ruled it out, but there are definitely aces who “have urges every once in a while,” as you put it. Some of those aces ID as asexual, specifically, for their own reasons, and there are also people like me who ID as gray-asexaul — asexuality is more of an umbrella than any one specific experience alone.

        “What are the chances that this could be the effect of her ambiance?”

        That’s… kinda the wrong question to ask. Everyone and everything we do is affected in various ways by our environment. Even you asking me this question is affected by your environment. People are people, not cells in a petri dish — these things aren’t necessarily that simple.

        “What are the chances that it can change with time?”

        We don’t really have exact numbers on that, but the fact that you’re asking that question with the preface you’ve given it has me concerned. If you’re dating someone, you should date the version of them that exists in reality, not the version of them that exists inside your head. Staying with someone you’re wishing would change into someone else is going to spell trouble.

        “That i may be able to get through to her?”

        What does this even mean? You’re scaring me, kid.

        • Christopher aboufadel

          Well Maybe i used the wrong words and left out alot of details about her. By “getting through to her” i meant get her out of this fucked up environement she was raised in, she wants to, i want to help her, but for her to comfront her mom whenever she wants to go out with me is like convincing kanye west that his music is shit, its impossible. I live in lebanon and most parents have a stereotypical religious arab mind that simply doesnt seem to understand logic or common sense, But her mother is beyond that. The girl is 18 years old and she still treats her like a 10 year old, and i understand how hard it is for a mother let go of her children but to hold on to them too tight to a point where she smuthers them is too much. And i love that girl too greatly to just sit there with my hands in my pocket and watch her agonise from that without helping her out of what i believe to be the main issue in her life. Have i gotten out of context here?

        • Christopher aboufadel

          “i believe to be the main issue in her life” she believes that too its not just my conclusion. Listen this is my first relationship, ever. And i’m asking many questions and i’m overthinking things the way i normally do, but i never know if i’m asking the right ones, i may have sounded like a lost nincompoop to you in the past comment but well it’s half true. I have no experience what so ever in all of this and when asexuality was brought i overthought things more. But i do know one thing and its that whatever she may be i will still love her the same. I may agonise sometimes, but i know how to put myself in her shoes.

        • Coyote

          Well goodness gracious. So what you’re asking about is supporting someone with an abusive parent. It doesn’t make sense to come to this post’s comment section for that, then — that isn’t what this resource is for. And I’m afraid I don’t know enough to give you good advice for a situation like this. Try looking up resources for supporting abuse survivors (specifying “adult survivors of child abuse” might help) and resources that explain the strategies of abusive parents (ex. if you don’t already know the concept, look up “gaslighting”) to give you more grounding knowledge. Also, I don’t know what the laws are where you live, but if it’s possible, you could help her investigate the legal/financial obstacles to her getting away from her mother for good, if she’s ready for that (if she’s not, don’t push). You’ve noticed that her abuser is very controlling, so as a general rule, part of supporting her would mean affirming her making her own decisions, whatever they may be.

        • Christopher aboufadel

          Haha wait wait there’s no illegal abuse theres just a moral and social dilemma you can find this in any home, but the girl’s personality is weak because of that and it’s mainly whats wrong with stereotypical families they seem to diminish their kid’s confidence and knowledge of the world instead of nurishing it. Oh and i have an developement to the asexuality situation. We got into the topic again and she told me that she’s almost sure she’s asexual after 2 days of researching. Then she says that it could be a phase she’s going through since she wasn’t disgusted by the idea of sex before (his father moved out of the house recently because of meaningless religious differences). So anyways we’re so honest with eachother it’s so freeing, and well we concluded with the fact that no matter what it may be i will always love her and the only reason i opened this topic is because it mattered for me to know the person i’m with and that it doesn’t matter to me as long as she’s always herself around me and honest with me.
          I feel like i’ve taken some of your valuable time and for that i apologize, thank you for your advice i highly appreciate it and there were a few things in the first comment which you highlighted that i agree with specially the “ambiance” remark. Cheers :D

        • Coyote

          It sounds like you’re feeling better about your relationship with her since your first comment here. Do me a favor and research child abuse a little bit anyway.

        • Christopher aboufadel

          I didn’t feel that bad about it i just didn’t see asexuality coming and when it did i panicked thats all, but was alwaye gona be there for her. But May i ask why is it that you advise me to research more about child abuse?

        • Coyote

          Because you described her mother as very controlling, and because you noticed that having a negative effect on her, and because that keyword is the most direct way to find out more about how to deal with those effects.

        • Christopher aboufadel

          Oh and i have a new* developement to the asexuality situation.

        • Christopher aboufadel

          Alright thanks for your help

  • John Smith

    [ cw for rape culture added by the blogger ]

    Married 20 years this coming May, and I really think my wife is a-sexual. No kids. Spent 20 years coping or thinking it was me, etc. She really seems completely fine with it. There is no history of sexual abuse. It is like she doesn’t even understand that most folks, including myself, really need sexual expression/partnership. She gets so sad when I very tactfully try to bring it up – even in the context of like doing the laundry. Laundry isn’t the favorite activity of many people – as sex is for my wife. But she seems to have no intention of even trying to help me, her husband, out? At this point I am just getting angry. It’s like she has no intention of lifting a finger to help the situation. Are some a-sexuals just completely incapable of empathy? My wife isn’t typically self centered or greedy – but it’s like she is just completely incapable? I am honestly fearful of my own health at this point given the stress and coping for so long – figured I could handle it, but in the long term it just takes a toll. Her folks are I would say a touch more than average sexually active. Her younger sister I believe is about average sexually, two kids, stable marriage. I hate the thought of divorce, she says she wouldn’t know what to do without me, but maybe it would be freeing for her? I don’t know..

    • Coyote

      Are you completely incapable of empathy? Your wife is in a difficult situation as well, I’d say more so than you.

      I do sympathize with your situation, but you have no right to be angry with her, especially if you didn’t discuss your sexual expectations before agreeing to get married. She is not obligated to have sex with you any more than you’re obligated to stay with her. If having partnered sex is that important to you, and if you don’t both agree to you satisfying your desires with someone else, then divorce may be the best option.

      If you love her and want to stay with her, then try to see things from her point of view. It sounds like she must be highly sex-averse, and she probably beats herself up about it — you even said yourself she gets very sad whenever you bring the subject up. Have you tried exploring her feelings instead of your own?

      By this point, she obviously knows what you want of her, and it would be wrong to pressure her for sex any more than you already have. You can deal with your arousal by yourself, if you need to.

      • Bill

        “You can deal with your arousal by yourself, if you need to.”

        Thus proving, in one stroke, that you understand him no more than he understands you.

        • Coyote

          I see you found that line objectionable but have elected not to elaborate on why. Care to do so, or is this just a drive-by comment?

        • Anonymous

          [blogger’s note: censored by me]

          This is what I love about liberal women,
          YOU feel a certain way therefore the former is the enemy.
          You’re not superior.
          You’re not a victim.
          You’re just a c*** with a blog.
          My boyfriend is Asexual and I honestly never thought it would be this difficult to cope with the fact that I will never, ever have a normal sex life ever again.
          Sexuality is extremely important in relationships, even flirtation falls into that category.
          If your partner is showing more attention to the family cat than you, obviously theres a god damned issue.

        • Coyote

          So apparently I’m a liberal and also a woman now. Huh. Alright. Well, I’m not too attached to my gender, I can be a woman if you want me to be.

          Dunno where you’re getting this victim/superiority thing.

          Anyway, sexuality is important in some relationships. It’s okay that some people have different relationship preferences than you.

          And… yeah? Sure, we can agree on that, although I don’t know why you’re bringing that up.

      • Patient Spouse

        Coyote you stun me with your callous shallowness.

      • B.

        I’ve read a few of your comments, and whilst I can see where you’re coming from in that it can be incredibly difficult for an asexual person in these types of situation, I also think that it is incredibly difficult for their allosexual partners too. Sexuality in any capacity, whether heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, or anything else, is a very important part of life. Sexual compatibility is important for most people within romantic relationships and so learning that you may not be sexually compatible with your partner can be extremely difficult for both parties. Perhaps in our current society asexuality isn’t as well understood as other orientations, but that doesn’t mean that allosexuals cannot empathise with asexuality, just like (as one example) heterosexuals are able to empathise with homosexuals and vice versa. I think the difficulty is that an allosexual’s sexual frustration may be seen as not be empathetic, but surely an asexual not wishing to discuss their feelings with a partner is very similar to this? Both of these things are probably similarly difficult for each person. The allosexual may feel rejected, unwanted, unattractive, whilst the asexual may feel misunderstood or misconstrued. I don’t believe that either party is in the wrong for feeling frustrated or upset by their sexual feelings, or lack thereof.

        • Coyote

          “I also think that it is incredibly difficult for their allosexual partners too.”

          I’ve written a post about this here.

        • rebecca langston

          iv eno issue with asexuality. my daughter is ace. I do have issue with someone talkingup a good game because they KNOW how important sex is to you so they tell penthouse forum stories about what they will and wont do…claim they dont believe in sex until afte rmarriage and then lie there like a lump on a pickle making youfeel like some kind of ugly whale shaped sex maniac, while still bragging the great sex they had with other people, but that sex just isnt that important get over it. its no different than catfishing. wait til you have someone caught and then lay the frigid game. its wrong its as amoral asa gay guy/girl pretending to be straight to suit some other need and then telling you to deal with the fac that they just arent that into you. if you cant tell someoen you suposedly love BEFORE you get engaged, that you are or are not into something and even downright lie about it then its not your asexuality thats the problem

        • Coyote

          I have no idea why you’d bring up gay folks pretending to be straight as if being closeted and breaking up with your beard somehow makes you a monster.

          This is a post about what to do if your partner is asexual, not what to do if your partner is a manipulative liar, so if that was the topic you were looking for, look elsewhere.

        • Loner with a Boner

          [cw for sexual entitlement added by the blogger]

          I’m with you 100%. She does talk about past sexual experiences, and will playfully joke about sex, be cute and sexy, and flirt – as long as we are in situations where she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no way we could actually have sex. Like – the kids are in the next room, I’m late for a meeting already, we are out somewhere, etc. etc. etc.

          What’s more, she has zero problems with me jerking off. She doesn’t care if I do it in the bed next to her. Or in the shower when she’s in the bathroom. And she’ll even flash her boobs and stuff to help me get the job done.

          But she won’t let me touch her sexually, and if I ask her to touch me, she gets angry. It would be somewhat satisfying if she would just touch me sexually… Five minutes, give me a little fondle, something. I get it that she doesn’t have any interest in sex, but if I ask her for a back rub she’ll do that, and that doesn’t do anything for her… What’s the difference if it’s my back or my dick? Honestly… And it would make me happy.

          I have no interest in a lot of things I don’t want to do but do them anyway because it makes her happy. Not that I understand the feeling, but I can get it if she doesn’t want to have sex, because I’m asking her to let me put something inside of her… But just a little rub every once in a while?

        • Coyote

          “What’s the difference if it’s my back or my dick? Honestly…”

          Do you need an anatomy lesson?

          Go read this and come back when you’re ready to handle this subject maturely.

        • Sadness

          Ten years ago I finally had the courage to come out, I’m lesbian. I was married to a man for 20 years. Im absolutely positive the woman I love and live with is asexual. We had a fairly good sexual relationship when we dated, but once we moved in together everything sexual pretty much stopped. We don’t even sleep in the same bedroom. I’m utterly devestated about it, but she continues to deny she is asexual and accuses me of being the problem. I have done everything I can to make her happy, I would do anything for her, but I’m dying on the inside each and every day. Some days I can’t stop crying, it means nothing to her. It’s as though I am invisible to her. I don’t know where to turn, I feel she completely deceived me.

        • Coyote

          Well, sad to say it definitely sounds like you should reconsider why you’re staying together. Not sure if you were looking for advice at all, but those are my thoughts.

      • Anonymous

        It’s not just about dealing with arousal-
        Sex for many sexuals is as important an element in a non-platonic relationship as food…

    • Star

      Unfair, fair???? I understand your frustration which you call anger. I am in a live-in relationship with my boyfriend who can’t seem to talk about the fact that he has zero interest in sex. I will simply say I am in the process of trying to really figure out if I can continue in the relationship for the rest of my life. Yes, I love him and I believe he loves me, but he won’t touch me. To cheat on him isn’t what would be good for either one of us. I am trying to find a counselor who specializes in this sort of thing. It is absolutely painful for me and he never will talk about it so that does hurt more than words can say. Best of luck to you and I know what you are up against.

      • Coyote

        It should be pretty easy to understand why he won’t talk about it if you follow the advice I outlined above. If you’re looking for a counselor, I’d advise you to be careful to look for one who won’t make the issue worse by encouraging more feelings of guilt. You aren’t obligated to stay in a relationship that’s painful for you. It’s up to you what to do, but sometimes people who love each other still aren’t compatible.

      • Still in love

        I agree. I have a live in bf as well and it isn’t so much the lack of sex… We do on occasion have sex… It is the lack of the lack of willingness to discuss it. He and I talk and share everything and have a great relationship minus the lack of affection and sex… I simply feel there is nothing wrong with discussing it and helping your partner to understand you better. It helps for empathy… The lack of communication comes across as selfish. Like saying we are not doing this and I’m not talking about this. We partners just want to understand and to love and to feel loved. Are asexual a lacking in empathy when it comes to talking about sex normally?

        • Coyote

          No, if there’s any “normally,” I’d say asexual people are “normally” anxious about being disbelieved and condemned. Please refer to the advice I gave in the blogpost above, especially #4.

    • Me myself

      The attitude of asexuals is “deal with it or end the relationship and admit that you’re a selfish prick.”

      The partner who is looking for a healthy, normal relationship is somehow demonized for wanting that thing that the asexual partner committed to and now will not or cannot provide. No concern is made for the sadness, confusion, feelings of rejection, or needs of the sexual partner, all that matters is the asexual one. Looking for that affect if a healthy relationship elsewhere is cheating, so in the end you either need to ignore your natural needs our leave the person and go through the true heartache of divorce

      • Coyote

        First of all, the attitude of me, the blogger, is not necessarily representative of the attitudes of all asexual people. We’re not a homogeneous hivemind. Knock it off.

        Second of all, if you’re using “healthy, normal relationship” to mean “sexual relationship,” then just say the second one, or explain why the heck you think interacting with people you don’t have sex with is unhealthy.

        Plenty of concern is made for the sadness, confusion, feelings of rejection, and needs of the non-ace partner. That happens a lot. I daresay that happens *most*. If you’re requesting that I, specifically, make a specific addition to my advice post, then frame it as such and make your specific suggestion.

        • One person with an opinion

          You list this person’s comment as one that is particularly improper, alongside others that call you a “c***.”

          Not really sure why or how you classify this alongside those. Does not seem to be anything other than a person struggling with a problem clearly and honestly communicating their frustration.

          I think that this may be why so many sexual partners here express frustration with this blog – if anyone disagrees with your statements or expresses their own frustration, it feels that you take offense, discount their feelings, or call them insensitive…when it truly seems that you are the one who is being insensitive.

          The needs and feelings of the sexual partner and asexual one are equally valid and deserving of respect, and if you are going to present yourself as a mouthpiece for the asexual community (which, like it or not, and fair or not, you have done by establishing this blog) my honest suggestion and advice is to either get a thicker skin or try to be less aggressive in your responses, because you are not representing that community in a very positive light.

        • Coyote

          “You list this person’s comment as one that is particularly improper”

          I’m going to assume you’re talking about a list made in another post. Dunno why you didn’t comment on that post then, but okay.

          “Not really sure why or how you classify this alongside those. ”

          I’m assuming by “this” you’re referring to the comment by “Me myself” (as in, that was the alias entered) instead of the comment made by actual me (“Coyote”), even though my comment is the one you responded to. Just stating this clearly in case there’s been a misunderstanding.

          “Does not seem to be anything other than a person struggling with a problem clearly and honestly communicating their frustration.”

          For them, “honestly communicating their frustration” apparently means claiming, among other things, that “the partner who is looking for a healthy, normal relationship is somehow demonized for wanting [sex].” Calling a sexual relationship a “healthy” relationship (as a euphemism to mean sexual relationship) literally implies that nonsexual relationships are *unhealthy.* Anyway, how are people who want sex being “demonized” here? Please explain that one.

          “The needs and feelings of the sexual partner and asexual one are equally valid and deserving of respect,”


          “if you are going to present yourself as a mouthpiece for the asexual community (which, like it or not, and fair or not, you have done by establishing this blog)”

          I’m not sure what you think a blog is.

          “my honest suggestion and advice is to either get a thicker skin or try to be less aggressive in your responses”

          Literally how am I being aggressive? Specifically: what have I said that is more aggressive/less acceptable than assertions such as “You’re demonizing me” and “Your relationships are unhealthy” and “No concern is made for our feelings” …? Literally what would your ideal response from me look like?

        • One person with an opinion

          Coyote – On your last question: If you can’t tell how your responses are aggressive – even in the way you ask me to explain how they are aggressive – then I probably can’t help you out there.

          Take a look at how you responded to another comment I made in this very post (under the name “Mike”) regarding someone possibly prematurely labeling themselves as asexual.

          I said nothing offensive, or dismissive, or mean, in fact, you shared almost exact sentiments in different words. But yet you jumped down my throat in a stunningly condescending way. Reread most of your responses to sexual partners here. They are largely aggressive and condescending. If you can’t discern the difference in tone between a supportive response and aggressive one…then perhaps you have a communication issue.

          Your ideal response would be something along the lines of “I appreciate your frustration, but try to understand that [insert possible feelings the asexual person might have].”

          Sexual partners come here to try to understand their asexual partner in ways they are having difficulty communicating. By being so dismissive, sensitive and histrionic toward the sexual partner’s questions you are adding fuel to the fire…ESPECIALLY for a post specifically directed to the sexual partner.

          Oh – and wordpress is a blog platform. A blog is:

          1. a regularly updated website or web page, typically one run by an individual or small group, that is written in an informal or conversational style.

          What exactly do YOU think a blog is??

        • Coyote

          “If you can’t tell how your responses are aggressive – even in the way you ask me to explain how they are aggressive – then I probably can’t help you out there.”

          If you want me to do something different but won’t tell me what it is, I don’t know how I can help you out there.

          “I said nothing offensive, or dismissive, or mean”

          The entire concept of warning people against “prematurely identifying” as a non-straight orientation is offensive, dismissive, and mean. That’s an ideological disagreement, not a tone difference.

          “Your ideal response would be something along the lines of ‘I appreciate your frustration, but try to understand that [insert possible feelings the asexual person might have].'”

          I appreciate your frustration, but try to understand that I worry you’re wasting my time with vague advice and tone-policing.

          “1. a regularly updated website or web page, typically one run by an individual or small group, that is written in an informal or conversational style.”

          Yes. I am an individual. This website of digital journal entries is written in my normal conversational style. According to your definition of what a blog is and what it means to create/run a blog… there’s nothing in that to say that I’ve nominated myself as a mouthpiece for all the ace community just by running a personal ace blog. Unless there’s something I haven’t thought of here, it would be nice if you apologized.

          If you have no further thoughts for me except for statements that I sound too rude for you, please stop commenting on this post.

      • Sadness

        I completely and absolutely agree with your comment. We are made to feel like perverts for wanting something completely the norm’al’.

        • Coyote

          I completely and absolutely want you to get some perspective instead of villainizing a minority. I’ve been mistreated by members of a different minority before — but amazingly, I’ve managed to not turn that into antagonism for the entire minority group.

  • ZMT

    I wrote you a few days ago and I forgot to leave my email please help me with some answers

  • Sylvia

    My husband and i have been married for a while atleast 6 months,before we tied the note we had been dating for almost a year,and we had sex only once after he had proposed and decided to have sex till we get married maybe someone will say i didnt take my car for a test drive bt that did not matter all i knew is i loved him and i still do…issue is we have never had sex,ive initiated a couple of times and he shuts me off on my side its a deal breaker!we have sat down and talked about our sexual life and asked if there is a problem he can tell me and we will walk it through as a couple.we are good christians.my libido is so good that i let this thought cross my mind all day.one time i said i try being naughty…was like boo am horny,he answered,I DONT KNOW HOW I CAN HELP YOU!Am stuck,but i love him so much,hes not opening up and its selfish because i have feelings that need to be sorted. Sad me

    • Coyote

      Hi, Sylvia. If you’ve determined that this a deal-breaker for you, then it sounds like the next step for you is to explore the possibility of separation. He’s not going to change, and you don’t have to stay in a relationship that you’re not satisfied with.

      • Anonymous

        I respect your position… though a bit aggressive in most of your comments. It doesn’t help to understand ace, but as you described.. it doesn’t described ace people, but it does help to continue the prejudices that you want people to avoid and learn by your posts (blogs)

        but to say “start thinking to separation” just by a post? I’m not a blogger myself… but I think there should be a bit more responsibility when it comes to give advises.

  • Nicole

    My husband and I have been married for 3 years. Before we married he was we aware I had a high sex drive and he gave me the impression he did also. In retrospect, I always initiated sex which did not bother me in the beginning, it was a nice change from prior relationships where I felt like my man was constantly all over me. After we got married, the sex became less and less. I realized it was because the only time we had sex was when I initiated. It is humiliating to be the woman in a relationship and have to initiate sex each time. I was initially angry because I feel he was not upfront with me about his sexual desires. This would have been a deal breaker for me. Now I’m in love with him and married with a very disappointing, nearly non existent sex life. I understand the confusion, fear and hesitancy with being upfront but what about the effects on the partner? I hadn’t even heard of asexuality before. I came across it trying to figure out if he had a low libido or was secretly gay or something else. This has had a devastating effect on my confidence due to feeling rejected, resulted in depression and frustration. I love him and intend to stand by him. In fact, I’m not sure it’s worth even discussing with him. But I do feel like I lost a piece of myself. It wouldn’t be fair of me to for persuade him to do things he wasn’t comfortable with. It wasn’t fair of him to expect me to be in a sexless marriage when he knew what my sex drive was either. How can an asexual that was not upfront about their sexual desires expect their partner to remain monogamous. If I thought my husband would give me his blessing I would have a friends with benefits relationship to take care of my sexual needs–and that is not something you can take care of yourself–their’s a heat and passion with the intimacy of skin to skin, body on body interaction that cannot be accomplished through masturbation.

    • Coyote

      “I understand the confusion, fear and hesitancy with being upfront but what about the effects on the partner?”

      What about them? It’s okay to be hurt that you don’t have the relationship you’d hoped for, and it’s okay to leave him if that’s what you decide.

      “How can an asexual that was not upfront about their sexual desires expect their partner to remain monogamous.”

      Maybe he doesn’t. If you don’t discuss it with him, how will anyone know?

      • Richard Cranium

        [TW for partner rape added by the blogger]

        Asexuals are guilty of bait & switch as far as I’m concerned. Get you to fall in love with them…string you along with just enough sex to keep you ignorant…marriage… a kid ….then the slow decline to nothing.
        I don’t appreciate being conned. Call it what you want coyote, but sexuals weren’t the ones lying in the relationship.

    • Des

      @Nicole, I feel like you’ve taken my life and written it down. Currently I’m just starting to explore asexual to discuss it with my husband. I’m not even sure how to get my thoughts straight, they are completely overwhelming.
      Thank you for your post, knowing I’m not alone is strangely comforting!

    • Nelly

      Nicole, thank you for your words. Im in a 5 year relationship and you just wrote my life down. Im so in love with him but Im having a very hard time thinking about marrying him. He expects me to be faithful but does nothing to initiate anything.. We’ve talked about it so many times that we are in the “dont pressure me”, “feeling lonely and unwanted” part. He says it will get better eventually, Its been 2 years and I dont think The situation will improve.. How patient is too patient? What would you do?

      • Coyote

        Nelly, I’d be curious why he believes that “it will get better eventually.” Many aces are taught an assumption that asexuality is “just a phase,” and something similar may be happening here. Regardless, if you’re not happy with the relationship as it is, then that’s fair enough reason to break it off. Just remember that what this is is an incompatibility, not anybody’s fault.

    • Pattys

      I so feel your pain. I’ve been there for 27 years. Yes 27. We separated for 2 and actually got divorced. He promised me he was different and had changed. It did. For about 2 years. Now things are like they were before. He confessed to me a month ago that he doesn’t like sex. Wait? What? So I looked it up and saw the word asexual. Everything made perfect sense. I feel betrayed, lied to and confused. Where do I go from here? I am sympathetic but I have feelings and needs too. Any suggestions?

      • Coyote

        This is a blog post, not a forum. There are suggestions in the main text of the post above. I’m sorry to hear about your troubles, but can you ask a more specific question?

  • charmaine

    i think my husband is asexual and dont know how to deal with it. i need advise. i have been married before and its difficult for me to live like this now.

    • Coyote

      Well, Charmaine, I gave most of my advice in this post. If you’re not happy with the relationship as it stands and you don’t want to be with him anymore, it makes sense to start thinking about separating.

      • Clairec

        I really feel like you should maybe re-word this. It reads very much like ‘oh just break up then or think about separating’. It’s a very harsh reality for some people trying to deal with finding out after knowing someone for years that they arnt exactly who you thought they were, or who the portrayed to be. I would suggest saying ‘give yourself some time to think about it, don’t get in a panic and think your sexual needs are never going to be met’ there is a lot to think about and to adjust to. Just like the person who is or maybe just realising they are asexual, the partner needs time to adjust and think about all aspects.

  • confusedgirl

    So im not sure about this one. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year now. When we first met sex was great nothing was weird or awkward we bith seemed very comfortable with each other. He openly admitted he had been bisexual in the past and i had no problem with it. After a while i found out he has a drinking problem and overtime i noticed he would only want to engage sexually if he was drinking. On the rare occasion he wasnt i did make efforts and was constatnly rejected. After about a year now hes been sober and im 6 months pregnant. Our sex life is awful. For the most part i dont engage much sexually with him because of my fear of rejection from the past. About 3 months back he made a comment to me in the middle of a fight we had about our sex life. He said he feels like a rapist everytime we gave sex because i never engage sexually its always him who starts it and he feels like im always just too afraid ti say i dont want to. I always want to we have sex maybe once or twice a week. Im just afraid of being rejected. After he said that i just felt odd. But i continued to engage sexually so he doesnt have to feel that way. It has worked a few times but for the most part i still feel rejected. I know im pregnant but im little to begin with and i dont have much of a belly. This past week we had sex once and only because i engaged sexually as he was waking up. I think is the easiest way to not be rejected. This morning i was getting very sexually frusted and tryed the same approach but he got up asked me to suck him and i did for a minute thinking positively that wed finally have sex but when i stopped he just smiled pulled up his pants and left the room to take a shower. I cried all morning because i just felt unwanted. I dont think hes completley asexual but we have a very weird and awkward sexlife and i hate it. I get depressed and cry alot when im alone. When i feel like i have to masterbate i always cry afterwards i just dont know what to do or how to commynicate with him i feel like im so young and my sex life is already dead. I love him honest to god we have a very comfortable and fun relationship with each other its just the sex that is a problem. And im due in another 3 months will everything be even worst when the baby is born??? :'(

    • Coyote

      It doesn’t sound like asexuality is a factor involved here. You’ve given me a lot of intimate details (which I imagine couldn’t have been easy to share), but even so, I want to preface my comment by acknowledging I don’t know your whole situation and this isn’t an area of relationships that I know much about.

      With that said… Something that stood out to me is that you’ve told me “i continued to engage sexually so he doesnt have to feel that way.” From my vantage point, it sounds like he’s guilting you into sex. So, please understand: you don’t owe him sex. You don’t owe him consent. Your worth does not hinge on the sex you do or don’t have. I know seeing a few words on a screen won’t do much, but please hold onto them.

      The second thing I can think to give you are these links: http://asexualsurvivors.org/sharing/peronal-narratives/ and http://www.pandys.org/index.html

      They may not seem very relevant to you, but being emotionally manipulated for sex is not an uncommon narrative for sexual assault and abuse survivors, and so I think some of the resources by and for them may be useful to you.

      Again, you know the details of what you’re living better than I do, so feel free to dismiss anything I say here. Just going off what you’ve told me, this relationship is damaging your mental health and making you feel like you’re struggling.

      And I may not even know you, but I know that no one deserves that.

      • confusedgirl

        Thank you for your advice. I didnt expect that kind of response but it does make sense this person has put me through hell and back. Things have finally started to settle down and become normal between us. Ive been trying so hard to make things work because i do love him for one thing but we are having a baby we’re both in our 20s and we need each other to help support the baby financially. Niether of us can do it alone…

  • Fearful Lover

    My girlfriend is asexual and she voiced that to me very early on in our relationship. I hadn’t much of a problem with it since I do love her very much and dont think of myself to be a huge fan of sex or anything myself. She does have fears though that because she doesnt want to have sex that I may leave her (as she had previous partners who did this) and while I have no intention of leaving her at all I still dont know how to dispell that fear. As of now we really havent been together long enough for sex to really come up as something we would do, but I feel like as time goes on she may feel pressured even though I really couldnt ask such things of her. Sure I may have desires myself and would be happy to be able to be so intimate with her but I’ll gladly put those aside to be with someone as wonderful as her, and I just dont want her becoming stressed thinking that its necessary to have sex or anything.

    • Coyote

      Thank you for commenting. Any aces reading this — feel free to add your input. In this situation, I think maybe the best thing you can do is accept that this is something you can help with, but it’s not something you can fix. So when you reassure her, please don’t approach the matter as if you can say “don’t worry about it” and it’ll be over and done with. Being an ace woman comes with a lot of baggage to carry, and while you can’t get rid of it for her, you can help her carry it. It’ll be on you to make her feel safe and confirm that she’s not failing you by not having sex with you. Instead of thinking of it in terms of hitting the right phrase or discovering the magic words, think of your reassurance as vitamins which, taken regularly, can help her build up a modest immunity to a world full of germs.

      If I were you, I’d probably avoid making any mention of having desire for sex at all, since a statement like “Sure it’d be nice if we had sex but it’s fine if we don’t” would still induce guilt in me personally. Even though there are many facets to any relationship, rhetorically sex is often positioned as a sort of Key Area that matters first and foremost, so it may also help to emphasize to her all the other things you enjoy about her company. Lastly, you might find it useful to browse the comments on this post.

      • Fearful Lover

        Thanks for the reply, I did read through those comments in that post and I really appreciate the advice you gave as well. I feel like if the topic did come up at any time now at least I would be a bit more prepared for how to act, especially with leaving any sort of questions open ended for her.

        • Fearless Lover

          Just checking in a day shy of a year later now, and I wanted to leave a bit of positivity here. My asexual pertner and I are still together and doing better than ever and I really dont see how I could have been so afraid long ago. From the experiences we’ve had, the best advice I could give to anyone else in a similar situation (wether you’re in my position or my partners) is to communicate. If you’re ace then dont be ashamed or try to hide it lest it come back to bite you in the future. And if you’re dating someone who is ace just be understanding of their feelings and let them know you dont expect them to do anything they arent comfortable with. If you two are a good match and are happy with each other then things should work out fine. I wish you all the best of luck with finding your love.

        • Coyote

          Thanks for sharing this. I’m so glad to hear it!

    • Anonymous

      Run!!!! For “YOUR LIFE!!!” Seriously

  • Ktea

    Me and my bf used to have a very active lifestyle….. the first month we met. It’s been 4 months now and seriously after the first month of having sex every day…. we’ve had sex maybe 6 times. So 3 months 6 times. That’s like average twice a month! We’re both 25. I don’t know how to bring it up to him that I’m literally starving for sex. Well when I mention sex he just ignores me….

    • Coyote

      He ignores you? That sounds like a problem unto itself. No matter what your preferences for a relationship are, you deserve to have your words listened to, at the very least.

      It doesn’t sound like this issue has anything to do with asexuality, so I’d advise you to seek some more general advice on respectful, healthy relationships.

  • Stan

    Hi, Just found out about the asexual thing a few days ago. My wife of 30 years is definitely asexual. I am actually very happy to learn this, it explains everything we have been struggling with for so many years. I was considering leaving her, but now that I know, want to learn more about it and help her understand and deal with it.
    Finding a sexual “friend” sounds like a good option for me. I love my wife and don’t want to abandon her just because of her sexual needs are different.
    What do you think I should do? I’m seeing a counselor now because I have been having trouble dealing with a life without sex, I will bounce this off him and see what he knows.
    Don’t know how my wife will handle this, will she feel the relief that I do knowing that what we are dealing with has a name and maybe a way to cope? I don’t know, definitely need some advice here.

    • Coyote

      I can’t necessarily predict what her reactions will be — bear in mind, you know this woman better than I do. That said, here’s what I can tell you. It’s a pretty common story among asexual people that discovering the word/concept/identity brought tremendous relief. However, we’re not all the same. There are also aces who took a lot of internal struggling with themselves before they could make peace with identifying as asexual. And there’s plenty of variation in how that plays out. Be prepared for a variety of different sentiments, I’d say. And carefully consider the suggestions I laid out above for how to introduce the concept of asexuality to your partner. An important part of that will be to convey that it’s a normal, okay way to be that you wouldn’t think less of anyone for.

      A note about your counselor: I won’t make any guesses about them, but please bear in mind that most mental health professionals (such as therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, etc.) are sorely uninformed about asexuality. That goes for everyone, but it’s especially pertinent for professionals who may dispense advice or guidance without taking certain possibilities into account. Just a word of warning. On that note, you can also give them this.

      • Stan

        Thanks, on the psychiatrist, I live in korea, he is Korean. I asked him about a sex therapist, he blushed and said that there are none in the country. Maybe that’s why there is so much prostitution here.

        • Coyote

          I wouldn’t necessarily make that jump.

        • Stan

          Sorry, bad joke. I will print out the paper and have him read it. I am hoping he will talk with the wife about her asexuality. I will prep with lots of hints and fabricate a friend who is asexual to Kickstart the thought process.

  • Stan

    Forgot to click on the “notify me” button

  • Frustratednewmom

    My husband and I have been married for just shy of a year. We got pregnant right after the honeymoon. When we were dating he told me he liked sex several times a week. Since we have been married I can count on both hands the number of times we have had sex. And to be honest the number of times he has climaxed is about half of that. Much of what I read above sounds like him. His actions anyway. Though his words are still very different. If I would have read this 2 weeks ago, it would have been a exact spelling out of my marriage. But now…. I am not sure. Right before Christmas I found “sexting” pictures on his phone and one of them wasn’t him. I have no idea what to do with it. Part of me says I could deal with the lack of sex and affection. But now with this lumped in, I really don’t know.

    While reading all the posts, I am trying to be sympathetic to him about how he must feel. However, what am I supposed to do with the lack of honesty and deceit. I feel cheated, lied to and manipulated. It is hard to make all those feelings go away telling myself he is trying to figure out his life and sexuality. While I get that is a process, it doesn’t change how I feel. When we were dating we agreed to wait, as I had explained recent feelings of “men just trying to get me in bed”. He was fine with that. We still talked about what we liked in a sexual relationship and made out. He deliberately lead me to believe things were different than they really were.

    We have had numerous conversations about it, but we get no where. He gets defensive, sulks and pouts and I get more frustrated and angry. I just wish he would be honest with me. I even told him a couple months after we got married that I wished he would have been upfront with me before we got married. His response was, “then you wouldn’t have married me”.

    Any advise would be appreciated. I am at the point I don’t know what to do and with a newborn I feel the need to have things worked out sooner rather than later. For all of our sakes.

    • Coyote

      With those pictures you found in the mix, it sounds like the problem you’re facing is his dishonesty and possible infidelity. Even if you don’t consider it technically cheating, you might want to look into resources on cheating spouses, because I suspect some of the same advice might be relevant. One particular book I’ve read and think is pretty good, and which covers cheating among other things, is “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft, which has some more concrete advice you can take, but that’s just one of many resources out there and it might be good to explore others. If he’s not communicating well with you, deliberately misled you, and is sexting other people (when that isn’t something you had previously given the okay), then that’s definite cause for concern, no matter the surrounding circumstances. I’m sorry I can’t give you much more advice than this. All I can say for sure is that I don’t think researching asexuality is one of the things you need to be doing in this situation.

  • js

    I think my wife might be asexual. I have no idea what to do

  • Mary

    This was super helpful! We have been married for 17 years. I always joke that we had so much sex the first two years that I used up all he had! Honestly, there were many years where this was a daily struggle because of my extreme tendency to be physical in the full emotional spectrum. When we wanted to have a second child (and he really did want a second baby) we only had sex once a month; that was really hard for this lady who was off her pill and totally a raging hormonal mess! At one point in our marriage (about year 11) we separated because of a whole host of issues.

    When we chose to recommit and “do things in a new way because all the old ways suck” added respecting his lack of sexual desire and to actively look for, appreciate, and thank him for all the other ways he shows how much he loves me. I also prayed; A LOT!
    My faith has helped me have confidence in my husband’s love for me and to find new ways to repurpose my sexual urges. Now I joke that menopause is just around the corner and then I won’t have to keep such a tight rein on my body.

    In conclusion, my experience has been to choose love and to look for ways to over come a biological urge (body)!because it is better for the whole me to be in this relationship than to allow one part of my self to enslave the rest of my being (mind, heart, and soul). My husband doesn’t need to label himself; I have better understanding and new ways to respect him thanks to this blog.
    Thank you very much for your insight, clarity, kindness, and courage.

  • Chris

    [tw for anti-ace absurdity and sex obligation talk added by the blogger]

    make them your friends and nothing else . They are like blood sucking vampires for their own selfish needs without considering yours . If someone you love won’t share intimacy they are called a friend . Friends are happy for you when you find a intimate partner who loves you like you love them . Go find a proper partner that’s not selfish for their desires 😎. It’s a lot more satisfying in life !!!

    • Coyote

      You must be joking.

      • Chris

        No , not at all . you are a idiot that shows no empathy to the sexual partner . Oh a problem comes up and just leave them . Asexual people change their status of the relationship singlehanded and then leave it up to you to pity them as they didn’t know until you love them . If I was a homosexual ( which I have no problem with )
        I wouldn’t let a woman fall in love with me to tell them I was . Changing a sexual desire during a relationship makes you a disrespectful person with no empathy .

        • Coyote

          Hey, you’re back.

          Alright, well, since you’re acting serious about this…

          “you are a idiot that shows no empathy to the sexual partner”

          Only if your bar for “empathy” is actually “preferential treatment.” I tried to write the advice above without basing it in too many assumptions about the reader’s state and preferences, but I think #3 allows for a lot, and if you don’t think that covers it, I don’t know what you’re looking for.

          “Asexual people change their status of the relationship singlehanded”

          I try not to pester people about grammar anymore but I’m afraid it’s not obvious what you’re saying here. Regardless… you can’t just place a specific narrative on an entire demographic and expect that to reflect the realities for all of them. Asexual people don’t *all* do *anything.* If you’re complaining about a specific person in your life, why not say so?

          “If I was a homosexual ( which I have no problem with )”

          Here’s a tip: if you have no problem with gay people, you can generally convey that by not using the h-word with all the awkward ugly baggage that has. If you don’t care, though, well, you don’t care.

          “I wouldn’t let a woman fall in love with me to tell them I was .”

          You can control who other people fall in love with? That’s new.

          Anyway, you’re assuming perfect knowledge of yourself at the beginning of this hypothetical encounter.

          “Changing a sexual desire during a relationship makes you a disrespectful person with no empathy”

          I’ve never heard of anyone changing their sexual desire levels on purpose out of sheer will alone. Morally condemning someone for something they didn’t even make a choice about makes you a disrespectful person with no empathy.

  • an ethnography of running for your life | The Ace Theist

    […] A post in which I talk about some comments on another post of mine, entitled What To Do If You Think Your Partner Might Be Asexual. […]

  • Ms.lily

    Thank you for your advice

  • Maitri

    Hie!! I’m really confused about whether I’m an asexual person or not. Everything is normal about me except that I never feel strongly about any boy. Like I do get temporarily interested a boy but it usually only lasts for some hours and after that I just feel like slapping that person to make him shut his mouth up!!! this is weird but this is what i feel. Please help me. Till now the only person whom I can tolerate is my sister, except for her others don’t matter to me

    • Coyote

      Hello. Nothing you’ve said here would rule out asexuality as a possibility. This is the kind of thing that only you can determine for yourself, so if you’re interested in thinking about it more, I can only recommend you do what I did and read lots of things written by aces about asexual experiences and concepts. My blog has quite a few ace posts on it, so that’s a start, and most of the ace blogs I’d recommend are run by people who’ve left comments on mine before, so snooping around the comment sections should lead you to more (like queenieofaces, godlessace, luvtheheaven, epochryphal, and queerascat, just to name a few). And, obviously, google can bring up some helpful resources too. My only other advice is to remember that the asexual umbrella includes a variety of experiences (and labels!) and nothing has to feel “absolute” to apply. That’s my general spiel on asexuality, anyway. I’m a little confused what you mean by other people other than your sister not mattering to you — I should hope the lives of others should matter to you in a basic sense, but I presume you meant in the way of having strong positive feelings about.

      • Maitri

        thank you I’ll definitely see your other posts and other articles on asexuality. And by my sister I meant that she is the only person I can think about positively and you got that part correct. :) thank u :)

        • Mike

          Don’t be so eager to label yourself. Abby form of sexuality isn’t like a switch, it’s not one thing or another. There is a full spectrum, from completely hetero/homo/bi/asexual to any other. You could be straight but not that interested in sex at all, but sort of into the same sex as well sometimes but sometimes not and once in a while get really horny but not usually interested at all.

          That’s a perfectly fine sexual preference, too.

          Don’t feel the need to label yourself anything in particular. Just get familiar with how you’re feeling and go with it. But DO communicate it to any long term partner you may have someday. They should know what they are getting into.

        • Coyote

          Don’t be so eager to to tell people not to label themselves. Nobody deserves to be jumped on like this for reconsidering whether they’re straight. I already mentioned the asexual spectrum so there’s no need for you to rattle off possibilities as if they’d be mutually exclusive with identifying as ace. Shame on you for treating a questioning person like this.

        • Maitri

          I sure will. Thank you for your advice it seriously means a lot. Thank you :)

  • DeeBee

    Thanks for this blog. I identified my wife as asexual a couple of years ago. I printed out a bunch of stuff for her on the subject and set down to talk to her. She completely blew up! She was upset that I was not a mental health professional and how dare I label her. So that lasted for a while. Within the last 6 months, she has totally come to terms that she is asexual and has talked about it, even to friends. She is very territorial and certainly would never allow me to go outside of marriage for sexual needs, but the point is that I don’t want to. I love her, she is my everything, and I don’t want anyone else. Sometimes though, I desire to be touched by that person that I love, and not just touched by myself. It is a totally different thing altogether to be touched by another human being and more so someone you are in love with. But commitment in marriage is til death do you part, and thus about sacrifice and compromise. Sometimes there is no compromise as this is something that is innate and not changeable. I guess my message is more to those spouses who are identifying that their SO is asexual, It’s not the end of the world, or at least it doesn’t have to be. But make no mistake it is a complete paradigm shift and it is not easy. It’s quite natural to feel rejected, and unwanted. My wife always says that she wants me, but just doesn’t want sex. It is very difficult at times to reconcile that. I know my wife loves me, but the trick is identifying HOW she loves me and wants me that has nothing to do with sex. I think that recognizing that it is possible to be loved and wanted and sex has nothing to do with it is a very mature attitude, that maybe a lot of people are not capable of doing. I would totally understand why people WOULD divorce with this scenario, as giving up your own sexual needs pretty much is the only way to stay in a relationship with an asexual. Masturbation can only go so far! And really is not a substitute, at least not forever. I never want my wife to feel pressured to have sex with me, so I am learning not to bring it up or initiate it or anything. It has to be a mindset of enjoying the things that make your relationship great that has nothing to do with sex. It’s not easy but sacrifice and understanding is love in its truest form.

  • Anonymous

    Plain and simple Coyote, you’re a dumbass.

  • tryingtohelp

    google ‘woman’s infidelity’. There is a set of 2 books you can order. In many cases I bet these asexual people are really having an affair…or on the verge of having one. It can be common for one person in a relationship to lose sexual interest in their partner once the “new love” period goes away. The relationship can be saved even if there is an affair already going on.

    • Coyote

      1. I’m pretty sure there’s more than two books on infedelity in the world. Unless you’re the author, why those two specifically?

      2. Why do you act like someone’s more likely to suspect asexuality than suspect an affair?? Most people don’t even know asexuality exists.

      3. Encouraging the “save the relationship” mentality is probably detrimental in those cases. Not because no relationship can survive a breach of trust, but because saving a relationship entails addressing the problems at hand, which is inhibited when you focus on just trying to smooth things over.

      4. This is for partners of people they think *might* be asexual, so why are you referring to them as asexual people when that’s not even confirmed?

      So many questions…

  • mexorsu

    Ok so I’ve got a question. I’ve been in a relationship with asexual person for 8 years now, and just realised she is asexual lately. It wasn’t that obvious as we in fact do have sex- just not very often and she never was very ‘involved’. Also I don’t think she is able to acknowledge her asexuality at least not before me- any time i bring this up she changes subject or uses naive, obvious excuses. So I went through most of our relationships believing that maybe she is not ready, or maybe its just a bad time, or its something with me. Just lately I have learned that she has no actual sex drive and was just pretending and “giving herself to me” because she wanted me to be happy in relationship and stay with her. Now- i love her very much and I do not want to break our relationship- but I do need to have sex, and I do need to have it with someone who enjoys it. Discovering that I was in fact all alone in all that and she was just “hanging on”, waiting for it to finally end- it cripples me. I do need to be desired and to have a real, partner sex with involved and “horny” partner. Honestly only option I can see right now is having an sexually open relationship, in which I could engage in sexual activity with other people without the remorse and hurting her. I’ve never discussed this with her yet though, because I am afraid to hurt her feeling- i somehow feel like she will not like this idea a bit. What can I do to make her understand that I love her and i dont want to split up, but I also really need sex to be whole and “fine if you can’t live without it then fuck me- just make it quick” is really far from satisfying this need even a bit. Is there any way I can get her on board with me having sex with other women while not actually causing her great emotional pain and messing up our relationship? I mean if she doesn’t have sexual desires- why would it hurt her? Yeah thats a stupid question, of course it would hurt her… I mean I really try not to be angry at her, I understand its not her fault really, but this is just so fucking unfair… So tell me, asexual expert- what do I do?

    • Coyote

      First of all, I’m not an asexual expert. I’m just an ace who has listened to and talked with a lot of other aces.

      Second of all, I’m limited in what I can accurately tell you. I don’t know her myself, and I can’t predict how she’ll react. How she’ll take to the idea depends on who she is, what her beliefs about sex and open relationships are, and so on.

      What I can offer you is this perspective: you don’t need sex. And I’m specifying that because if you go into the conversation with that mindset, communicating implicitly that you feel like she’s depriving you of something that you’re entitled to and that you feel like she’s doing something wrong by having the feelings she does, that’ll likely contribute to that conversation going badly (and hurting her a lot). Sex is something you want, not need — and that doesn’t mean it’s not important to you. Because it’s important to you, and because she’s given you the impression she dislikes it, you might (possibly) have better luck by presenting this (your open relationship idea) as a solution that benefits her — in that it she’ll get to be as celibate as she pleases while making you happier. Still, like I said, how well that’ll go over depends a lot on the person, so take some time to think about what you know about her personality and outlook. You might also find some of the advice in this post helpful.

  • Toby

    Coyote, I love your post. It is clear and honest and educational…and inspiring. (My animal totem is the coyote. Coyote teaches me to put aside my fears and allow myself to experience joy.) Exactly what I needed to hear. Pilamaya ye.

  • Coyote

    Comments closed on this post due to an abundance of repetitive hostility.

%d bloggers like this: