There’s something strange about the rhetoric of “don’t limit yourself” in response to identity labels. The idea, or argument, rather, seems to be that you shouldn’t neglect the possibilities — i. e., if you feel a new kind of attraction toward a gender for which you didn’t previously have those feelings, or if you no longer experience a kind of attraction to a certain gender, you should be open to acknowledging what you feel.
This line of thinking seems to be predicated on the idea that labels are about looking forward and predicting the future.
Perhaps it’s meant to encourage acknowledgement of the fact that sexuality is fluid rather than static. Things could always change. I agree that orientation isn’t set in stone, and a reminder of such can be warranted — but what “don’t limit yourself” neglects to consider is that in order for “things” to change, there must be a “thing” in the first place. And perhaps we would like to give a name to the current state of that thing.
While acknowledging that, perhaps, there are people who use labels for a different purpose than I do, I’d say one of the (available) reasons for using orientation labels is not about looking forward, but looking back. If you’ve only experienced sexual attraction to people of the same gender as yourself your whole life, or if you’ve experienced it toward multiple genders regularly, or if you’ve never experienced it at all, and so on, you’re not “limiting” yourself by giving a name to that experience. That’s because describing a personal history is not the same as placing a “limit” on anything. Calling yourself what you are and have been makes no other statement than what you are and have been.
I can recognize some of the objectives and intended sentiments behind the rhetoric of openness (as applied to orientation labels), but I’d recommend they take a more effective route, because at present, this kind of warning only causes consternation by implying that an individual does not have the authority to describe their own experiences.
The Ace Theist 
December 9th, 2013 at 10:01 am
I wish I’d seen this when I was 13. It would have made things a lot less hectic and confusing. Part of the reason I didn’t want to come out “officially” as something was because I kept thinking, “What if that changes in the future? Everyone will think I’m lying!” Looking back makes much more sense than trying to predict the future, and I wish it was something that was said more often to people trying to figure themselves out.
December 9th, 2013 at 11:35 am
Agreed. Thanks for the comment!
December 13th, 2013 at 9:44 am
[…] The Ace Theist thinks labels should look back, not forward. […]
December 13th, 2013 at 1:29 pm
When someone says, “don’t limit yourself,” I always hear, “There’s a normal, right way to be and weird, wrong ways to be. I’m pretty sure you’re not a bad person, so you’re obviously normal and confused about it.” It assumes that the label is ill-fitting and limiting rather than trying to ascertain whether it is or not.
December 13th, 2013 at 2:45 pm
Very well put.
March 11th, 2014 at 1:49 am
Yeah, when I came out as asexual to someone and they replied “that’s great BUT don’t limit yourself to the possibility that you’ll find someone attractive someday” (I’m paraphrasing, but yeah), it makes me feel… so… disappointed? Frustrated. Misunderstood.
Anyone who thinks I am limiting myself by putting myself in an asexual box and closing myself inside of it is REALLY not appreciating the amount of time I spent outside the box, looking at the box, looking at all of the other boxes lol… hoping I was maybe something like demisexual or *anything* else, hoping maybe my experiences were “normal straight girl experiences”, where it might take a lot of time before you enjoy kissing your boyfriend, etc… hoping that I was not actually what I already knew, deep down, I was…
…and by the time I had become comfortable enough with my asexuality to actually use the label, comfortable enough to come out to YOU, that was when I was no longer limiting myself AT ALL. If I experienced sexual attraction one day, I wouldn’t be upset by it. I’d understand what I was feeling because I’ve done so much internet research and really know so much about every aspect of the asexual spectrum and allosexual stuff as well. I’ve learned what sexual attraction is. I’d accept that my identity as someone with absolutely 0 life experiences of sexual attraction had changed, because I have now gotten to a point where I do accept everything about myself and my own sexuality! But my entire past would still have been an asexual one, so it’s not like my identity would be shattered into pieces. No, it would have evolved, but I know even if something drastic changes about my sexual orientation in the future, my current identity label still had been the correct choice.
(Not to mention, when you come out to someone, you weren’t asking for their advice. You were trying to share information with them, information about yourself that you simply want them to know… and they think you’re asking for help. No. I wasn’t. Thanks, but no thanks.)
March 11th, 2014 at 8:51 am
Exactly. People not taking all that into consideration is exactly why saying “don’t limit yourself” isn’t just unhelpful, it’s rude.
September 22nd, 2014 at 1:07 am
I never understood the “Don’t limit yourself” sex people should limit themselves, but usuing this as an argument against labels implies that labels are suppose to take into account the future rather than past/present.
I currently am a kinsey 5.9. It’s probably going to change in the future. If it does I’ll just call myself whatever it becomes then, it didn’t invalidate the whole time i was gay before. People seem to think saying your gay means you have to be for the rest of your life, and that’s understandable due to general ignorance about sexuality.
I’m currently struggling with my sexuality now. I was straight in elementary school. Gay in middle to high school, now in college I’ve been feel a little less gay than in the past. My sexuality has been all over the place, doesn’t mean there isn’t a word for all of it’s changes.
I’m worried about looking like an idiot because this confusion started happening around the same time I was coming out the classmates as gay, now I’m afraid to say I’m gay because i feel it changing and I’ll just look stupid in the future, but whatever.
But to play the devil’s advocate. I think what they mean by “limiting yourself” they refer to the phenomenon in where a person experiences an exception in their sexuality (a gay guy falling in love with a girl) and they completely and ignore the feeling because they are gay and think they always should be.They don’t label themselves to avoid clinging to that label and having to worry about an identity crisis when something happens to shake it up a little.
I’ve heard a girl say “I’ve been attracted to girls all my life but I’m not a lesbian because that might change in the future”
Mind you she was a teen so….
Such an example is given here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6Ljw7oCt48
But I realize that’s irrational and due to society’s misconception about sexuality. One can be gay now and bi in the future if it happens.
September 22nd, 2014 at 7:01 am
“I’m worried about looking like an idiot because this confusion started happening around the same time I was coming out the classmates as gay, now I’m afraid to say I’m gay because i feel it changing and I’ll just look stupid in the future, but whatever.”
Aw man, I could see how that could put you in something of an awkward spot. Just because you’ve used that label in the past doesn’t invalidate your prior use of it if you adopt a new one, but unfortunately that concept is not widely understood.
“I think what they mean by ‘limiting yourself’ they refer to the phenomenon in where a person experiences an exception in their sexuality (a gay guy falling in love with a girl) and they completely and ignore the feeling because they are gay and think they always should be.They don’t label themselves to avoid clinging to that label and having to worry about an identity crisis when something happens to shake it up a little.”
Understandable, to some extent… but also, people have the prerogative to not act on their attractions or to have an overall preference that doesn’t exactly match what their attractions are. And it’s conspicuous that this advice is disproportionally not given to people who identify as straight, which is actually the worst possible strategy, because people identifying as straight when they’re really not is far more common than the other way around. So when people tell non-straight folks “don’t limit yourself!” it sounds a lot less like actual concern that they might fail to recognize/act on attractions that might appear (in which case… who cares?) and a lot more like “shun the nonbeliever”. People IDing with a marginalized orientation need affirmation, not a reassertion of compulsory heterosexuality.
“I’ve heard a girl say ‘I’ve been attracted to girls all my life but I’m not a lesbian because that might change in the future'”
That poor girl.
How many straight people are taught to think this way, I wonder?
October 31st, 2015 at 11:27 am
Thank you for the reply, I’m just now seeing it.
Looking back I’ve down a little bit more on the kinsey scale as of late XD