Continue reading

An Incomplete Log of Inquiring Minds

Originally I intended to post this list as part of a larger post.  For now, I’ve decided to post the list alone.  Got a hunch it might be useful to link at some point.

Below, an incomplete list of certain kinds of search terms that have appeared on my stats page since 2014.  Expect some callous ones.

Continue reading

Unravel – A Critical Kink Community


Hey, folks.  So I went and did the thing and started a “community” on imzy (*crosses fingers*).  There are already some other kink communities on there, but none that mention remotely anything about being ace-friendly, or anti-kinky-abuse, or critical (not to be confused with “kink-critical,” mind you, in which the word critical means the same thing it does in the phrase “trans-critical”).  Lacking alternatives, Unravel will be my attempt to take a stab at some of those things and more.  I have some ideas for links and discussion topics to come, but I’m not quite sure what direction to send this in just yet, and since it’s brand new, I figure the first few folks who join are probably joining to shape what kind of place it becomes…  So if you want a look, I just gained over 100 invites I can send.  Just click the link up there and input your email address so you can get invited, and then you can snoop around, give feedback, maybe even join, that sort of thing.

Five Years and Counting


A playlist for dealing with the anti-ace brigade.  Just a themeless, totally not-ace-related sampling of perspectives on ongoing internet conflicts, from “this is why we lie awake” to “I don’t want to hear about the bad blood anymore.”

This Is Why We Fight – The Decemberists / You’re So Vain – Carly Simon / Don’t You Ever Get Tired – Bettye Swan / Dirty Laundry – Don Henley / Hate On Me – Jill Scott / Mean People Suck – NOFX / Civil War – Guns N’ Roses / Gives You Hell – The All American Rejects / Shut It Tight – T Bone Burnett / 3 Minutes – Mashrou’ Leila* / Numb – Marina & The Diamonds / Bad Blood – Bastille

*I could hide in your skin.  I could wear all your faces… I could be you if you want me to.  I could sing all your words.  I could act out your life, when you hear me in your mirror.  Tell me please who to be.


who wants to start an imzy community

with (for) me

about like.  ace umbrella anti-abuse bondage anarchist… stuff… or just… non-d/s kink… nonsexual kink… or, I guess, any of the combinations of things that I can’t find enough content on, that I want to talk about with more people…


me: *digs through someone’s kink tag, finds someone I recognize as being a person who’s talked rolequeer stuff and good critical kink and consent things, starts going through their corresponding discussion tag*

me: These posts are pretty old though.  I wonder what they’ve been up to more recently.

me: *clicks to visit blog main page*

very first post on the blog: n u d i t y

me: okay I’ll just show myself the door then

dirty trashy prude

[cw: sex talk, misogyny]

Initially I wrote an introduction to this but instead just have this list:

Continue reading

AA: Questioning a Change

[cw: relationship conflict, explicit sex talk]

Mary wrote in:

Continue reading

On “A-” Homogenization

Companion piece to this post on lgb homogenization, I suppose.

A while back, when I criticized the terms acephobia/arophobia/aphobia for the phobia suffix, I got a comment disagreeing with my replacement suggestions on the basis that we supposedly need “aphobia” or some equivalent in order to bundle anti-ace and anti-aro concepts together in one term.  A short argument resulted.

In light of that, this post and its tags feel like support for what I was trying to say there:

#the replacement with ace- and aro-spectrum with a-spec; and allosexism and amatonormativity/ace- and aro-phobia with aphobia?#really really obnoxious and lazy and imprecise and it drives me up a wall ok#there are REALLY DAMN GOOD REASONS both in terms of denoting ideologies and being able to point out intracommunity issues with having those#*having those terms and ideas be SEPARATE THINGS


And granted, Sangam did say:

I never argued for doing away with the terms you proposed entirely — I simply don’t think they are sufficient to act as a REPLACEMENT for what “aphobia” already covers, which is the subject of this discussion.

…but while anti-aro acts and anti-ace act do have overlap, sure, I still don’t think a combo-term (1) deserves to be used to the exclusion of specifics (as I’ve seen some people doing — using “aphobia” in all cases instead of using more specific terms like compulsory sexuality, amatonormativity, etc. as the case may warrant) or (2) does what Sangram says it does, re: “solidarity.”  A non-aro-spec ace using “aphobia” doesn’t communicate anything to me as a quoiro and doesn’t do me any good on that front, so I don’t know what model of solidarity we’re using there.  And anyway — being able to label amatonormative junk that goes on in the ace community is more important to me than having a term that homogenizes aces and aros in a way that doesn’t distinguish where populations and experiences diverge.  I mean, maybe that should be important to me, but right now it’s not really.

…So it’s actually quite fascinating to me to see “a-spec” proposed as something that could mean “a spectrum of nonattraction, unspecified” (or as James puts it, “a specific phrase meant to emphasize inability or lack of desire to distinguish one’s own aro and ace identities as separate pieces rather than a composite whole”) as opposed to its current meaning of “aro spectrum and ace spectrum combined as one umbrella for all.”

during a convo about churches

the engineer friend: Because it’s really hard to find a LGBT-affirming church that isn’t…

me: Unitarian Universalist?

the engineer friend: Basically, yes.